Where the Wild Things Are Now

After 40, you just can’t rumpus like you used to.

MaxAfter failing to convince loved ones that he had indeed been away through night and day and in and out of weeks and even over a year, Max was never able to shake the feeling he had peaked at age 7. He barely graduated high school and then drifted through a series of service industry jobs, complaining to the few friends he had that “there’s no coming back from being king of all wild things.” Max’s attempts at romantic relationships were hampered by his angry outbursts and a predilection for “wild rumpuses.” These mainly consisted of riding on his partner’s back in a wolf suit while screaming, “I’ll eat you up I love you so!” Such aggressive behaviour resulted in more than one restraining order and complaints of chafing. Max recently moved back into his childhood bedroom, no longer hung with vines but with creeping slime mold. His mother still brings Max his supper, even though he yells at her to keep out of his shit. Max finds fleeting joy in the furry community.

PlorgFollowing Max’s abrupt departure from the place where the wild things are, Plorg was reinstated as king of all wild things. Unfortunately, he was unable to govern the wild things as Max had due to his failure to master the magic trick of staring into all their yellow eyes without blinking once. While the wild things continued to roar their terrible roars and gnash their terrible teeth and roll their terrible eyes, Plorg could not help but notice that the eye-rolling had become increasingly sarcastic. Any attempt to send the wild things off to bed without their supper was met with rumblings of insurrection. Plorg tried to ingratiate himself with the wild things by replacing the wild rumpus with Trivia Night, for which he was swiftly dismembered.

FenshkaAs the sole aquatic wild thing, Fenshka grew tired of her land-based peers calling her “Fishka” and realized she would never reach her full potential in the land where the wild things are. Swimming away, she navigated a series of underground water networks until she reached a lake in northern Vermont. There she established herself as a local myth, occasionally giving pleasure boaters coy glimpses of herself while providing locals with a brisk business in souvenir T-shirts. Fenshka is currently listed as “DEBUNKED” at snopes.com.

Bjarjl Bjarjl was named Top Moon Howler three years running and considered going pro. Her career was cut short after the branch she was hanging from snapped, resulting in a crushed larynx and irreparable scale damage. Bjarjl now teaches “Rumpussing for Beginners” at Wild Things Community College.

Clee-ClawRetired. Living in Phoenix. Enjoys water aerobics, yard-saling and light terrorizing. Wishes he saw his grandchildren more. Rides a mobility scooter with license plate “WLDTHNG.”

Daphne ZunigaThe star of The Sure Thing and Spaceballs became stranded in the land where the wild things are after her catamaran capsized in a squall. While initially frightened by their terrible claws, Daphne Zuniga was able to tame the wild things by the magic trick of demonstrating she had appeared in 111 episodes of “Melrose Place” according to IMDB.com. Rather than making her queen of all wild things, however, the wild things made Daphne Zuniga queen of cooking, cleaning and the occasional lice check. Eventually tiring of “this toxic monster BS,” Daphne Zuniga returned to civilization when a private boat tumbled by just for her. Daphne Zuniga published a memoir of her experience entitled One Tree Hell and is currently enjoying a comeback as the sassy grandma in the Netflix limited series “Porkchop Blues.”

Max’s Dog BoboSailed off through night and day and in and out of weeks and almost over seven dog years to where the wild things are. Was immediately eaten.