What NOT to Say to Someone Who Is Suffering

I am currently enjoying a small group study in the book Side by Side (authored by Ed Welch). The book establishes 2 basic premises:

1. We are needed by others in the body of Christ.

2. We need others in the body of Christ.

In other words, borrowing from the metaphor of the body in I Corinthians 12, each of us have different functions in the body of Christ, and if we don’t fulfill that function, the entire body will suffer because people need us to be who God made us and we need others to be who God made them.

It’s a book that teaches it’s reader how to walk with one another in life with spiritual intention.

My favorite chapter thus far is Ch. 12, which is titled “Have Compassion during Trouble.” It is in this chapter that Welch gives a list of statements that Christians should NOT make towards one another when suffering. They are empty, cliché-like phrases, that usually don’t edify, encourage or help. They are filler statements in awkward conversations.

Here are the 3 statements Welch says we should not tell one another when suffering, and I have added 2 of my own.

1. “I know exactly what you are going through.” (HECK) That is impossible! And when we make this statement, we minimize their suffering. No one can know the exact way that someone is suffering. Everyone’s personality, strengths, weaknesses, and maturity are different. No one suffers in the exact way as someone else. Even if we experienced the same kind of suffering, we probably managed it differently. Instead we might say, “Tell me where you are struggling” and when they give examples you can relate to, say, “I experienced the same thing and ________________________ helped me.”

2. “I will pray for you.” (HECK) When we make that statement, we have covenanted with that person. We have promised to pray for them. And unless we pray for them right then (which is preferred) or set a reminder on our phone or in our planner or have a great memory, we will not only forget to pray for them later, but we will break a promise we just made. We often say we will pray for someone as a way of saying, “I am thinking about you,” but the problem is that we have used the wrong vocabulary. Instead, you might say, “How can I be praying for you?” Or just pray for them right then!

3. “If you need anything, please call me anytime.” (WELCH) In all the times I have told someone this, I have never received a call from the one suffering. And that is not to say the sufferer is wrong to not call. It’s that everyone says something like this, and when a sufferer has a need, they can’t remember who said it to begin with. Instead you might say, “What can I do to help?” Or ask a close friend of the one suffering how they think you can be helpful.

4. “It could be worse.” (WELCH) While things could certainly be worse, God never compares our sufferings to worst-case scenarios. He never corrects David in the Psalms who is surrounded by enemies by saying, “Well it could be worse. At least Satan isn’t there too!” It is a thoughtless comment that minimizes one’s suffering. Instead, you could say, as Welch suggests, “Yes, your suffering might not seem as severe as _________________, but God doesn’t comparing your suffering to others.”

5. “What is God teaching you through this?” (WELCH) Who knows the answer to this question, right? How many of us can pin-point the exact lessons God is teaching us in our suffering? Normally, we are just trying to “stay afloat” and not sin too much. Welch says to not treat suffering like a scavenger hunt where you are looking for divine clues for the reasons you are suffering. Instead you might say, “I know you are really struggling to find meaning in all of this, and I can’t help you answer the ‘Why’ question, ‘But I know this: God never wastes pain.’ And I am going to be with you as long as necessary to figure out how and why.”