WatchDogs……Dumping In My Sandbox!

Now let’s assume for a moment that I relish being bored. That I consider joining post office queues as a recreational activity, that urinating serrated blades is my singular notion of Nirvana or that I’m afflicted by some carnal desire to have my scrotum stomped on by Vanessa Felts wearing high-heeled shoes. Now let’s fortify these perceived presumptions of narcissism by again surmising that if I were to procure a vehicle in say, Oh, I don’t know….Watch Dogs (hypothetically speaking) that I’d want the car to manoeuvre like a squirming rape victim about to be inseminated by an elephants tusk! That my whole simulated experience should be stifled by an abbreviated composite of every other open world game, just duller, less intuitive and embroidered with ambient sterility! (Starting to forfeit the analogies now) I could then, and only then recommend purchasing Watch Dogs!! As is most likely apparent I’m discernibly angry, bitterly aggrieved and in a such an aggravated position of confusion that I’m ruminating the possibility of playing Aliens: Colonic Marines (I still renounce referring to it as “Colonial”)! Whoa, sorry…I kind of lost it for second there, but I’m all right now. *Takes a deep breath* Though Watch Dogs isn’t as bad as my analogies indicate, you’d think that a game focused on hacking bank accounts and exposing disreputable malcontent’s personal identification would operate with a little more punctual acuity, with more focus established on advantageous position of subliminal deception through ethereal manipulation, that highlights the necessity for the subtle apprehension of verified criminals, with a fresh deviation from the aggressive pedantry of GTA V, a comparison duly noted and lamented when playing Watch Dogs. But its utilised with all the grace and precision of a beached whale as you shunt vehicles off the road, tackling the perpetrator and beating them to a pulp. Sure you can hack traffic lights to cause significant collisions, but it all feels peripherally abstract. But let’s exclude all these lapses in decorative ingenuity, set aside these discrepancies and mild irritations, because the most truly abhorrent felony was including such a vacuous excuse for a lead! How is it that Ubisoft have delayed a game for such a comprehensive amount of time only to con…tain *cough* such a….*cough*point….less *cough cough*, Oh god I’m choking on my own rage here!

I can’t do this now, I need time to calm down…..