Thoughts while doing 50 push-ups in the morning

1-2-3-4-5

And I’m bored already. This is why they have TVs all over gyms because exercising is so tedious. It’s also why Spandex was invented so that men would have something to look at. Not sure what the women look at. “Ellen,” I guess.

6-7-8-9-10

The only thing I have to look at is this bathroom floor. And my shirt, which keeps flapping in the way of my face. You probably shouldn’t exercise in loose-fitting clothing. Luckily there’s no gym equipment here for it to get tangled in. Those things are deathtraps, which is why the first and last time I was in a gym was 25 years ago and honestly had nothing to do with the utter humiliation of the experience.

I wonder how I’d look in Spandex?

11-12-13-14

Are push-ups a specific type of exercise? Like Charles Atlas and Dynamic Tension? I sometimes feel my life is one big dynamic tension.

15-16-17

It can’t be that healthy getting my nose this close to the floor. Is that a Q-Tip? Eww, it’s not a Q-Tip!

18-19-20

I’m almost positive I would rather be doing anything else besides push-ups right now. Except sit-ups. You can’t do those on your own anyway. Well, you can, but you have to jam your feet under the lip of a chest of drawers or something to keep yourself from just rocking back and forth; that’s not exercising, that’s floundering. And when you do, you get those nasty little indents in the tops of your feet. I definitely wouldn’t rather be doing sit-ups than push-ups. I also wouldn’t rather be cleaning this floor.

21-22-23

Seriously, no one on their deathbed has ever said, “I wish I’d spent more time at the office and using my ThighMaster.”

24-25

“I love exercise!” people say. I don’t believe them. It’s human nature to be slovenly. Inertia is the natural state. People obsessed with exercising are simply feeding their egos and their fear of mortality and are probably way prettier than me. “It’s all about the burst of endorphins!” I’m pretty sure “endorphins” is a made-up word like “crunchilicious” or “Republicannibalism.” Didn’t the Endorphins rescue Frodo from the Umlauts in ?

26-27

I don’t feel any endorphins bursting. I do think I feel a blood vessel bursting. What are symptoms of an aneurism? Should I be doing this on an empty stomach and three cups of coffee?

28-29

“After 40, if you’re not getting stronger, you’re getting weaker.” I read that once in magazine and it stuck with me. I can’t remember to pick up my daughter at school but I can remember superficial epigrams from coy men’s magazines. I don’t think it’s just my body that’s getting weaker. I should be exercising my brain, maybe composing haikus or something.

30-31

That’s what you call a Campbell Soup body: Mmmm, Mmmm Good!

Hmmm, starting to feel that a little. Honestly, though, is it going to make any difference? Is it worth doing this every day just so I can open a peanut butter jar when I’m 80? Maybe I’d be wiser spending my time getting rich so I can pay someone to open my peanut butter jars for me.

I doubt very much that exercise – any exercise – will ever make me buff. Once an ectomorph, always an ectomorph.

The Ectomorphs! That’s who rescued Frodo!

32-33

Okay, now I’ve really lost interest.

34-35

Did I just grunt? That and the heavy breathing probably sound a bit strange on the other side of the bathroom door.

36

Our culture is obsessed with physical excellence, not health, but “ideal” form. What’s wrong with just being plain healthy?

37

Besides, I’m perfectly fine with my body, and my wife is too.

38

I think.

39

I should ask.

40

Oh man!

41

“Feel the burn,” sure, but I don’t think I’m supposed to feel it there!

42

AAGURGH!

43

Close enough.