Thoughts on Avengers: End Tables (with more spoilers than a Stanstead car show)

When we last left our heroes in Avengers: Infinity Loop, the villainous Thermos had obtained all six Infinity Carbuncles and with a snap of his fingers had caused a waiter to appear with his bill. After heinously paying in coins and leaving a lousy 10 percent tip, Thermos let out a belch so noxious that it wiped out half of all living things and left the other half fretting on Twitter that this time Thermos had probably gone too far.

So that was kind of a bummer.

This past weekend, we got to witness the final chapter of the MCU (Magnificently Cash-Driven Undertaking) that has taken 34 years, 213 films and 1600 tons of Spandex to complete. And, boy, did we witness it! In the first weekend, Avengers: End Tables made $1.5 billion at the box office! And those are US dollars. In Canada, at the current rate of exchange, that converts to 3.2 billion Timbits!

I am proud to say that I was one of the millions of people who saw Avengers: End Tables this weekend. Proud because for once I get to be part of the pop culture of the moment, especially since I have no idea who this Arya person is.

It also gives me the opportunity to express my opinion on this very important topic while the rest of the world floods and burns. I will try not to spoil the movie for you but will probably fail, because my brilliant insights are much more important than your enjoyment. Oh, get over it, it’s just a movie!

First of all, the length: at 7 hours and 14 minutes, End Tables is definitely a marathon but you barely notice the time pass. True, the 12-minute sequence of Tony Stark eating Cocoa Puffs while scrolling through his Instagram feed was a bit long, but it truly showed that Tony (or as his fellow Avengers call him, “Tony”) has become a much more down-to-earth person and, quite frankly, a less messy eater.

Also true that people have resorted to cannibalism during screenings but it’s only been mild nibbling, a few minor appendages here and there. People get caught up in the moment. And their cravings for toes.

But on to the film itself.

The film is set five years after the snap, and the remaining population is having a hard time moving on, though you’ve got to admit the commute is fantastic.

Still, I’m sure a lot of people have moved on, if you know what I mean, and it’s not giving much away to suggest a happy ending is inevitable. Those disappeared husbands and wives are bound to return, which is going to make for some awkward conversations.

At any rate, the remaining Avengers hatch a plan to undo the snap by putting on a show in Bruce Banner’s uncle’s barn, inviting Thermos, locking him in the barn with the chickens (did I mention Thermos’s mortal fear of chickens?) until he agrees to bring all the disappeared back. This, of course, proves to be a stupid plan, and the Avengers opt instead for a tried-and-true ass-kicking, but not before a medley of Rogers and Hammerstein favourites.

The film is not without its flaws. Many fans were wondering what role the newly introduced Captain Marvel would play in this final chapter, so it was disappointing to see her reduced to five minutes of screen time where her sole task was baking cookies for the gang. To be fair, the cookies were… MARVELous!

I also wondered why Marvel would even bother introducing any new characters at this point, particularly a side kick for Ant Man: Gnat Boy, who can also make himself small but even smaller. “Are you there, Gnat Boy? What? I can’t hear you. You’re too darned small!” Not even Paul Rudd could pull off dialogue like that, but gosh he’s cute!

Darth Vader showing up out of the blue was also a surprise but I guess this is what we can expect now that Disney owns everything.

And Smell-O-Vision every time Thor was on screen was just too gimmicky. And pungent.

All in all, though, Avengers: End Tables does an amazingly competent job of tying up all the 3024 separate storylines while providing action, character development, a satisfying ending and, as the title suggests, a parable on the redemptive power of just rearranging the living room furniture now and then, because it really freshens things up, you know?