The Value of Silence

I wrote something previously on trying to constantly improve myself…related to coaching, trying to help others get better. That got me thinking on other ways to get better.

I had a bad experience with a former employer. The thing is, things are rarely perfect and almost never completely horrible. At that school, I taught some great kids who honor me by staying in touch now 20 years later. Teaching them, interacting with those students, helped me later when my own children became teens (I pray I did okay as a parent).

I also had the opportunity to experience something called Kairos. Since it was a religious school, that’s a retreat for the seniors, separated by gender. Obviously I went on the young men’s retreat! Of course, part of the reason I was initially selected was the limited number of male faculty (and–I still don’t understand this–the head priest never wanted to go on the boys’ trip…he only wanted to go with the girls…really).

As part of Kairos, there is an evening where the Catholic boys go to confession and when done sit in silence in a room lit by only a couple candles. If you aren’t Catholic, you just sit in the silence. There’s nothing else–no reading, no music. The only interrupting sounds were boys adjusting their position on a chair, nothing more. And VERY MUCH to the credit of those young men, none of them were whispering or anything else. They respected the silence.

It’s one of the things Kairos tried to teach–that silence permits you time for self-reflection and, presuming you believe in an Almighty, a chance to have a dialogue with the Almighty without distraction–because the world has plenty of distractions.

It’s more now with the invention of social media. Social media is about acquiring likes and views–so that people ‘need’ attention. Social media is about arguments and polemics–these are not conducive to reflection and critical thinking. Indeed, for most of those sorts of posts, they succeed when there is NO reflection. If we apply the criteria “Is your comment meant to be helpful?” “Does your comment bring happiness to others?”–the answer is inevitably ‘no’. Instead, they are meant to drive revenue and self-worth through belittling others.

** Personal silence has been valued for thousands of years. Plato’s assessment remains even now–we have two ears and one mouth which means we should listen at least twice as much as we speak. In college, I took a Speech-Com class that added an interesting observation to this–are we truly listening or do we only listen so that we know when we can interrupt and start our own talking once again?

** I have known/know a lot of people who live alone–widowed, just being single, people are away for an extended time, whatever. When I visit, I find that in many cases, there is always background noise–whether it is a TV, radio, or something internet. I’ll ask why and the response is always something like “I don’t like silence” or “It keeps me from feeling alone”. I understand. Loneliness sucks–but does the TV solve that or just mask the issue? –Would people be better off if they intentionally left 30/60/90 minutes of their day to silence?

I notice this with the people I coach. They ‘need’ music and background noise–loud. They are uncomfortable with practice otherwise. “It’s too quiet” they say–and as soon as they are on their way out of the locker room, they have headphones in. More noise. They ‘need’ music to study, ‘have’ to have a show streaming.

Sometimes less is better than more.

So do you use silence as a tool in your coaching/teaching kit–as something other than a punishment?

Do you give your players space to think? Do you take 3-4 minutes to meditate before practice? Have you run segments of practice in silence?

Do you need complete silence–or can you find value in less talk? Would less talk create moments of useful silence?