The Unreleased Accounts Of Lara Croft.

These are the unpublished (completely fabricated) accounts recorded by Lara Croft,  if written by a rather juvenile 20 something who should have grown up by now. Here “Lara” chronicles the events surrounding Tomb Raider 2. This is in no way intended to offend the legacy of the Tomb Raider franchise, but to make affectionate observation of the series rather overt exploitation of the female form. Lara Croft, to the best of my knowledge has never engaged in amorous activities, orally or anally with anyone ever. And does not own or condone the use of an S&M dungeon. If you are offended by smutty innuendos, especially the second paragraph then I suggest you leave immediately. Seriously, go.

China, as in “not for all the tea in” was my destination. Travelling via “Bangkok”, a city founded in the 15th century after two rather endowed samurai’s accidentally used the same urinals, hence the name “Bangkok” was a distant memory, as I headed to a non-specific part of a great Wall more commonly referred to as “The Great Wall”! Concealed along its far reaching infrastructure lies a vaguely tomb ish like secretion ripe for plundering and the extermination of any rare creatures that could inhabit such a largely unmolested environment. Having slid down into a huge, un-scalable cavern I had no way of knowing I could actually get out of, I was immediately greeted by an adorable little kitten I’ve dubbed “anal raider” due to its penchant for excavating my voluptuous booty. Judging by the juddering vague dispersal of pixels I believe it’s meant to be a Bengal Tiger. You know those exotic cats native to Bangladesh and India that often frequent hidden catacombs at the base of the Great Wall of China? “Curious” I mused. “What an important discovery it is to have exotic animals of this nature inhabiting a country it isn’t indigenous too”? Once I’d dealt with these beautifully majestic endangered species by shooting it in its rectum repeatedly I made my ascent to a fortification high above the alcove that housed a rather large indoor swimming pool. Once inside I began leaping like a beautifully sexy and well endowed gazelle, reaching a ledge with a large lever like device, possibly a lever, enabling access to more dilapidated ruins. Grunting sensuously as I went to ward off any pursuers or potential suitors. Because no one would be curious of a duel gun slinging archaeologist with pointy breasts, tight tank top, lips that look like a slowly decomposing vagina, painted on shorts and sounding like a slowly climaxing corpse, I noticed the partial collapse of the wall and proceeded to slide down the rubble plunging into a fortuitous lagoon below.

“Yeah, I know. My ass looks great!”

All this sliding and animal cruelty had left me wet again, as I searched the water deeper and harder for any artefacts to pilfer. I squeezed my tight ass through a moist cavity extracting a well placed key as I emerged from the rippling water, my slender body completely drenched leaving me dripping…..with intrigue. Having leveraged myself from the pool, keen to remain abreast of the situation I was suddenly confronted by another vicious pussy…..cat. This hairy gingivitis leapt at me, trying to ravage my perfect physique, but ultimately succumbed to my throbbing twins. I holstered my guns and began my ascent back to the top. Back on top my search for a plot continued as I unlocked the sealed door with my newly acquired key, delving deeper into the hidden sanctum bereft of light, life and reflective surfaces to see how great my ass looks. Continuing on under the assumption that my booty was still tight enough to bounce a penny back to my London piggy bank I heard the unmistakable sound of scuttling that could only be emitted by giant tarantulas! I had little recourse but to fire round after round at their general direction until they were killed to death. With the help of my impeccable thighs that had smothered a man just the night before, I was able to dislodge a huge square boulder from my path and proceeded cautiously into the catacombs. But as quickly as I had entered I had to pull out with some haste as I evaded the two giant balls heading towards me, leaping over a chasm of rotary phallic, only to be confronted by a slowly advancing wall of spikes preparing to impale me like my college room-mate. Thrusting in my direction I leapt acrobatically picking up ammo relinquished by some skeletal adventurer, who judging by the lack of clothing died naked! Running over a wobbling volatile floor I fell through, landing safely below. A loud thud above signalling the end of any imminent danger.

“Just another obsessed fan. Except this one looks like a bruised testicle.”

Having safely negotiated the equivalent of my S&M dungeon above, I sought exploration from the gaping chasm below. Utilising my plumber like reflexes to guide my voluptuous figure swiftly between the cracks. But danger it seems was far from over as I was suddenly molested by a Tyrannosaurus! “Of course!” There is only one thing to do when confronted by prehistoric creature that has survived since the Cretaceous period; kill it to death! After dealing with Mr T-Rex, from a narrow passage far from its stunted claws another fearsome Tyrannosaurus emerged from the shadows anus. Once I’d dealt with pixelsaurus I decided I had lingered longer than the fart I just let out of my curvaceous cheeks, secured the artefact that the Olsen twins were guarding and finally emerged from the gloomy depths to the big red door that at no point during my quest did I clarify I was looking for. Endangering the population of Tigers further as I shot my way to my destination “sorry kitties, but these meat hams are not for sale!”, I was suddenly assaulted by a genital wart, which I swiftly flung over my shoulder. “Some fans just don’t get the hint”. Of course this grotesque growth poisoned himself once he released he wouldn’t be doing any “Poon Raiding” As I set myself on Venice and its many canals. “Looks as though I’m going to get wet again?”