The Luxuryless Beach-Aire Motel

My home sweet home in Kenosha for a few days. The soft spot in my heart for the volleyball team led me here. Just wanted to prove that I wasn’t just being a baby when I wrote that it could be the worst place on earth to stay. Here are a few of my favorite photos. There’s more where these came from. And stories? I got ’em in spades. Like me asking how much the room will cost. “Either $55 or $50.” “What’s the difference between a $55 room and a $50 room?” [Blank stare for 20 seconds] “I guess I’ll take the $50 room, then.”

And my phone never got a dial tone, even after I talked to the fine gentleman [who was baked out of his mind, by the way] in the office either five or 27 times about me needing to use the phone. “I don’t know what to tell you, sir. But I’ll get right on that, sir. I rebooted the system once already, sir. Still no dial tone then, huh, sir? That’s just weird, sir. I’ll get back on it, sir. Right away, sir.” I had that same conversation with the stoner, who was wearing a gorgeous “Taz” cartoon shirt that was at least one size too small, at least seven times. I’m really not sure if he knew he was dealing with the same person every time. I’d be very surprised if he could see out of his teary, bloodshot eyes.

And before you think this is “Woe is me,” I must say I find this sort of thing funny. If my whole life would involve these great stories, I’d be happy. I enjoy adventures like this.

I purposely left out the gross ones. I don’t know, on a scale of 1-4, I give it a 0. It might not be fair. Judge for yourselves. beach-aire-006.jpg … Apparently that’s where they put headboards in Kenosha. beach-aire-004.jpg … Even the wallpaper wanted to leave the room. beach-aire-003.jpg … This tile stuck to my foot as I entered the shower. beach-aire-007.jpg … A blemish here or there. beach-aire-009.jpg … A hole here or there. beach-aire-016.jpg … Sweet art. Nothing says home quite like a moose and some scary cat on weird jagged, lacquered wood. Or were they plastic? Who knows. They were lame. That’s all I know for sure. There were two more similar “art” pieces around the corner to make me feel at home if I used the microwave. The other piece of “art” in the room was a framed painting of a cactus. Not sure what they were going for. My guess would be “beautiful.” In a way the art WAS beautiful, just not in the way they were probably going for.

-Ricky Nelson