The Expendables (Sylvester Stallone) 2010

This is a movie that I have been looking forward to for a while. Now the fact so many people are anticipating this movie has baffled some critics. After all, why are you so amped to see a bunch of geezers go out for one last ego boosting hurrah. Well it is because some of these still have what it takes to be entertaining and some of these guys are even better in their older age than when they were younger. I’m just going to use Jean Claude Van Damme as an example even though he doesn’t have anything to do with this movie. With his latest smaller productions I can now safely say that JCVD is a good “actor” where before uttering that sentence would be as ludicrous as saying the Earth has a delicious nugat center. And really I prefer JCVD’s most recent productions to most of his movies when he was most popular. But to even apply this to Stallone, even he seems to be enjoying a comeback. I thoroughly enjoyed Rocky Balboa and Rambo so I thought he could make a fun Dirty Dozen type movie.

The movie is about a group of mercenaries who are hired by a shadowy figure to overthrow a Latin American dictator. Aaaaaand that’s about it. Yeah, you don’t want me digging too deep into the plot because only bad things can come from it. This is some of the most basic action movie material with nothing special or new to the formula. Which would be fine if the movie stood out in some other way. After all, I didn’t come to this movie to see a gripping plot but to see a bunch of action movie icons tear the place down. We don’t really see that either.

This movie is not so much The Expendables as it is the Stallone and Statham show. They are the people we see through the majority of the movie. We get the expendables in the first five minutes or so and the last 10 minutes, but this isn’t a Dirty Dozen type ensemble cast. Most of the rest of the cast could have done their work on a few days of shooting. As far as everyone geeking out over seeing Bruce Willis and Ahnuld in the trailer; calm down people. If you have seen the trailer, then you have seen their entire role in the movie. Jet Li and Dolph Lundgren have a little more to do in this movie, but not much. I have to say (despite limited screen time) I thought Dolph had the best part in the movie. He was the only person that really tried given the rather crappy material.

I can’t really say the scenes with our main characters are that entertaining anyway. Oh sure they “banter” a lot which is supposed to be hilarious but I just wasn’t feeling it. They don’t really interact as people would and just throw around lame jokes about each other’s physical appearance. The only person with a chance to act is Mickey Rourke who is given a good five minutes to squirt out some tears in the only well written monologue then gets his paycheck and leaves.

Now I know what you are going to say because I said it after reading people’s reviews and I have read other people say it too. “Yeah, well, I’m still gonna see it anyway.” I know the knee jerk reaction is say that we just don’t get it. We are coming into this movie looking for Shakespeare while you are know better and just want to be entertained by loud noises and seeing the cast. I went into it with those low expectations too. I know what I wanted from this movie. Rambo didn’t re-invent the wheel by any stretch of the imagination. But it had so much action, blood, and pure “balls” that I absolutely love it. I went into the Expendables if just to see (to use the phrase) mindless action. I hope you listen to this; you will be disappointed. It is like Stallone forgot how to shoot an effective action scene. In the fight scenes with Jet Li and Jason Statham the cameras are brought in waaaaaaay too close so we can’t see what the hell they are doing when in fact the camera should be pulled out so we can see all the action. Believe me, Jet Li is a pro at this sort of stuff. He can do a good martial arts scene in his sleep. You do not have to confuse us with shitty camrea work as if he were some bum who can’t stage a good fight scene. Most of the other action is poorly staged and generic. Even parts in the last fight were so poorly shot and dimly lit, that I didn’t know which Expendable was fighting which generic bad guy and who was winning. Not to mention the movie is full of CGI gore and effects which just look awful and even detract from the movie.

The Expendables (given its budget, actors, talent, and potential) is a failure. Sure, this isn’t a horrible movie. There are some good scenes peppered here and there, some (emphasis on SOME) of the dialog is funny, and there are some moments (Jet Li vs. Dolph) which were nice. However, those points are few and far between. This is a disappointment all around and shouldn’t really be worth your $10 bucks at the theaters. Maybe when it is available for rent you can check it out on a slow night.