The devil’s at his strongest while we’re looking the other way

“The devil’s at his strongest while we’re looking the other way, like a program running in the background silently, while we’re busy doing other shit. Daemons, they call them. They perform action without user interaction. Monitoring, logging, notifications, primal urges, repressed memories, unconscious habits. They’re always there, always active. You can try to be right, you can try to be good, you can try to make a difference. But it’s all bullshit. ‘Cause intentions are irrelevant. They don’t drive us, daemons do. And me? I’ve got more than most.”— Elliot Alderson, Mr. Robot, S1E04: eps1.3_da3m0ns.mp4

In the beginning when I quit, I knew that giving up my means of emotional escape would leave doors and windows open for my demons to enter. In actuality, the roof was blown off as well, leaving the way open for decades worth of demons to wreak their vengeance on me for ignoring my own authentic heart. It has been, and sometimes still is, one hell of revealing (and amazing) journey. I don’t mind it all that much anymore.

I’ve always had to push myself to make the changes I needed to heal. To clear away the residue left by my demons: unhealthy habits, toxic relationships and whatever else didn’t serve me. That’s all we can do right? Acknowledge, clean and clear away until we find our authentic selves. To work with what comes forth and try to understand where it comes from. To notice what makes us stand a little taller, who makes our hearts open and what brings us joy. To fill our lives with those things, people and endeavours.

Our demons will always be a part of us, existing in the background, and may know exactly when to show up and what to say to cause self-doubt. The courage of self-awareness helps us to be unafraid. Be strong. Acknowledge, find a way to understand the source of your struggle, and clean and clear away. You’re the one in control.

Hugs and love, Phoenix.

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The annual AtoZ Challenge is happening this month and prompted by the 2023 theme ‘Resilience’, here’s nine years sober, and counting… with some things to say, inspired by quotes from brilliant television series that resonate with me.