Talking Is Hard.

For the majority of my adult life I’ve had this conspicuous ability to say the wrong thing at the wrong time. An inherent skill I’ve somehow managed to refine over the years. It isn’t intentional, but rather a pervasive default that periodically encroaches on even the most benign conversation. Governing this verbal default requires considerable concentration on my part to suppress the intuitive, verbal dysphoria I might excrete. People actively avoid talking to me because of some prior conversation where I made some inappropriate observation or simply had no idea how to respond in a way that most ordinary folks would. Most instances where I’d choke on my own foot can be attributed to my naturally introverted ways. A committed routine whereby a measured, token response precipitates the immediate conclusion to any conversation, without coming across as intentionally obtuse. It very rarely works.

I don’t have a natural affinity for social discourse. I’m often hesitant, waiting to internalise an appropriate response, scrutinise the result, carefully calculate the most likely permutations and….the moments past. The individual has moved on, believing that I’ve been intentionally ignorant or confrontational, when in actuality I’m just hopelessly taciturn. Its almost as if I’m waiting for a set of dialogue options to sprout above the persons head, so I can express a vague, barely attentive response. Retort in a manner that reflects the tone of the conversation. Despite a concerted effort to actively engage with enthusiasm that doesn’t seem false often fails, instead responding with an awkward chuckle or elongated silence simply because I can’t articulate a response that is either applicable or relevant. Worse is when you’re confronted with adult situations that require mature responses. As a vacant expression begins to smear across my face, nodding obliviously as if I understand anything about banking or cars you can just tell that the recipient regrets ever initiating the conversation.

To succeed at maintaining a fluid, cohesive dialogue is as much about the conviction of your narrative as it is about what you are saying. You can go on long tangents that have nothing to do with the initial conversation and it still feeling structured, in a strangely disorganised way. Sadly confidence is a nurtured trait I’ve never possessed let alone refined. I’m a very quiet, introverted guy that considers human interaction as a necessary burden we all must endure. I am someone that adamantly believes a Jam sandwich should contain no butter. That Bill & Ted’s Bogus Journey is far superior to Excellent Adventure. And that Space Invaders is a poor man’s Galaga. This isn’t an affectation or an attempt at portraying myself as enigmatic. Just a man totally confounded by the obtuse process of social interaction. But aren’t we all?