Stop Lyin’

Sparrow   S3, Ep3

Let me first say that I just got done crying. Like, sobbing. Why? Because just a few minutes ago, Mary Jane said what I’ve been telling those closest to me for the past three or four months:

“We’re all just pretending we’re okay when we’re really not.”

When people ask me how I am these days, I don’t reply with my usual, “Fine,” because it’s not the truth. I don’t run down my woes, but giving that default “I’m good,” or “I’m fine,” answer creates a facade I’m not comfortable with. It gives people permission to not worry about your well-being. It leads them to believe you’re smiling because everything is okay – not because you’re trying not to cry. And now that I’m living in the land of Truth, I refuse to apologize for feeling the way I feel. Unfortunately, I’ve discovered that people liked me much more when I was lying. Oh, well!

I was also crying because this episode reminded me that I never EVER want to lose any of my closest friends. I know death is inevitable, but I’m sending out a group email, letting my girls know that I have to die first. Shit. The thought of not being able to call one of them tightens my chest all over again.

This episode was deep. Like, somebody shoulda told me to grab some wading boots. My chest was tight from the very beginning, and it has only let up a little now. (We’re three hours out now.) Let’s run it back.

• It opened with us seeing Lisa at home. She ate dinner, took a shower, and put on a cute night gown. Got in bed. Sipped wine. Prepared her cocktail of pills. Sipped more wine. Took pills. Smiled. Stared into space. But she wasn’t happy.

• Then the wine glass dropped and drool oozed from her mouth. She was gone. Dead. Lisa was fucking dead. (I admit that I had a feeling this would happen. HOWEVER, I hoped the Being Mary Jane writers would throw me for a loop. We all know Lisa has attempted suicide in the past, but damnit, she wasn’t supposed to do it again… and succeed!)

• Mary Jane didn’t know how to deal with the news once she received it. She was numb. I mean, how do you react to the death of your oldest friend? …The one whose calls you had been ignoring. …The one who gave your ex-boo head… The one you lovingly read for filth when your brother brought her to your house to apologize …The one who was troubled and fragile and suicidal to begin with. But Lisa was MJ’s one. In fact, Mary Jane did tell her that she loved her during their last conversation at her house (after the epic read). She told her her loved her, but she needed time. Unfortunately, she and Lisa didn’t synchronize their watches.

• Turns out, David found her body. Mary Jane had an awkward conversation with him regarding that. When she asked why he was even at Lisa’s place, he said he was checking on her because she hadn’t answered his calls since the accident. Mind you, he hadn’t stopped by to check on Mary Jane after the accident. (I really would’ve been okay with him going home to Glory instead of Lisa, BTW.)

• Back at Lisa’s house, Mary Jane walked into the dining room and saw Lisa’s last meal. (I was taking deep breaths for her because: damn.)  When the doorbell rang, she begrudgingly greeted Lisa’s mother and stepfather. It was obvious that Lisa’s mother was disconnected from her. She couldn’t even reminisce correctly; messing up facts and whatnot. MJ warned Mama Lisa to not bring stepdaddy/molester Charles to the funeral. His presence would be an insult to Lisa’s memory.

• In the car, Mama Lisa convinced him not to come, saying it would just be easier if he didn’t. He resisted at first. How dare she let MJ dictate who comes to THEIR daughter’s service? (Pardon me, Sir? Lisa hadn’t been in touch with them in ten or fifteen years. For reasons.) He even pulled the You know Lisa has always had issues card, saying she was “bipolar with an overactive imagination.” That was molester-speak for “I told her to never tell you about my visits to her room.” Bastard.

• On the day of the funeral, Mary Jane was still numb. She viewed Lisa’s body and then went to a private room to reflect before she delivered the eulogy. In walked David. MJ told the story of how she couldn’t cry when she first heard the news of Lisa’s death, but she broke down in her closet while picking out a black dress to wear. The tears fell when she’d come across one that Lisa told her not to buy because it was too expensive. She just wanted things to be right: the funeral, her dress, Lisa’s eulogy. She wanted to send her friend off the right way.

• When David said Lisa’s suicide was not her fault, MJ went awwf. He wasn’t gonna put that on her. She knew damn well it wasn’t her fault. GTFOH.

• Nichelle started singing “His Eye is on the Sparrow,” and I wished I had some Kleenex and

• While giving the eulogy, MJ spoke about how we don’t tell our truth. Annnnnd she so fluidly incorporated Lisa’s truth. She was originally from Ohio but moved to Atlanta when she was 8 years old. She got straight A’s. She was sweet and wonderful and helpful. She was also molested by her stepfather from ages 9 – 16. I actually yelled out, “YOU BETTA TELL HER TRUTH, MARY JANE! YESSSS!!!!” And because of that, she suffered her whole life. She suffered from depression. She even suffered from the silent treatment, which MJ dished out to her in large doses.

• Mary Jane had some advice for us all (because yes, we were at the funeral with them):

“Make sure you tell everyone you love that you will love them no matter how ugly their truth is.”

Also:

• “Black people don’t kill themselves.”  – Nichelle  (LIES!!)

• Latarsha Rose didn’t speak one word in this episode, but that opening scene was POWERFUL.

• I feel like I need to take a bereavement day tomorrow.

• Gabrielle Union was born to play this role.

• Some people front like their truth isn’t as ugly as yours.

• Don’t wait until it’s too late to love someone.

• Before you push someone away, imagine them dying tomorrow. If you feel nothing, keep on pushin’. If you know you’d be affected, reconsider.