So your penis is broken…

Introduction: Sorry to hear your penis is broken

There are many reasons why your penis may be broken: prostate surgery, stress, rampant alcoholism, too much Disney Channel, mangling. But whatever the reason, an inability to ring the butler can cause considerable emotional distress for you, your partner and your household pets, who are surprisingly attuned to this kind of thing.

A broken penis, however, is not the end of the world, only very, very close to it. The following guide offers some tips on what to do when your shark no longer swims forward.

Are you sure it’s broken? Before doing anything drastic like opting for surgery or focusing on her needs for goddamn once, it’s important to verify that your penis is truly unable to dress for the game. For example, maybe you just slept on it funny. Or perhaps you were hypnotized into thinking you are Jake Barnes in The Sun Also Rises, and your ability to run with the bulls will be only restored when someone hollers, “Hop on, Zelda!” Very often a penis will seem like it’s broken when in fact you’ve merely coated it with zesty mustard.

One way to verify whether your penis is well and truly broken is for your partner to stimulate it by getting down on his or her knees and yelling, “PENIS! ARE YOU BROKE? WHY WON’T YOU WORK?” If your penis doesn’t respond, it’s probably broken.

Living with your broken penis Don’t despair. Besides parking the limo in the VIP spot, there is very little your broken penis can’t do. However, there are some restrictions; your penis should not:

• operate heavy machinery;

• sing lead in a Van Halen cover band;

• tweet poorly informed Brexit opinions;

• enter contests that involve penises that aren’t broken;

Remember: your penis will tire easily and need frequent rests. Do not push your penis. At the same time, your penis may try to convince itself that it can still pin the tail on the donkey, so it’s up to you to gently remind your penis that at this birthday party it’s going home without a goodie bag.

Sometimes it’s simply enough to spend time with your penis and listen to its tales of past exploits. Be aware, though, that these reminiscences tend to be repetitive, though thankfully quite short.

Taking your penis out Penises are by nature social creatures. Just because your penis can no longer roll the bin out to the curb doesn’t mean it can’t sit on the porch and wave at the neighbors. Remember that your penis has feelings (unless the nerve damage is too severe), and one way to maintain its sense of worth is to expose your penis [long pause] to a variety of experiences. For example, you could:

• introduce your penis to Peter Green-era Fleetwood Mac;

• enter a cribbage tournament with your penis;

• get your penis involved in community theatre;

• join a support group with other broken penises and start every meeting with “What’s up?” and then laugh and laugh and laugh;

•  dismantle the patriarchy.

What about implants? Implants are not always successful and can seem unnatural. However, if having a full head of hair makes you feel better about your broken penis, then by all means.

Sex? Sort of Even though you can no longer tip the waitress, having a broken penis doesn’t mean your sex life is over, just very dissatisfying for all parties concerned. You and your partner can still enjoy intimacy, even as he or she seems to drift off wistfully while staring at a jar of kosher dills. Honest communication is essential, for example:

“Honey, does having a broken penis make me less of a man?”

“Yes.”

“Okay.”

“Now get back down there.”

Benefits of a broken penis Believe it or not, there are certain perks to having a penis that gets lost trying to find the after-hours clubs. For example:

• no longer having to worry about “what if something happens” during your annual physical exam;

• broken penis = free drinks;

• more time for jigsaw puzzles;

• no need to “just sit here a minute” after watching Olympic beach volleyball;

• handicap parking.

Life goes on With the right attitude and a small investment in marital aids, life with a broken penis can be a rich and fulfilling experience, even if you can no longer lather, rinse and repeat. Stay positive and try to remember that at least you had some good times with your penis, which not everyone can say.