Set the Night on Fire, Briefly! An Oral History of the Perseid Meteor Shower

Image: Old Farmers Almanac

01:47:32 meteor: It’s funny, you know? No one ever said outright, “Let’s be the most brilliant meteor show in the night sky.” It just sort of happ—

01:53:16 meteor: We were certainly aware of what the other meteor showers were up to. The Leonids were doing some nice work. The Geminids, sure. So, yeah, there was talk. Like, what about doing that, but bett—

01:58:48 meteor: And that’s when Ear—

02:13:27 meteor: And that’s when Earth entered our orbit. We were just hanging out in space when WHOOSH! This planet goes whizzi—

02:16:08 meteor: And we were all, “Okay, this is big. This is huge.” Tons of atmosphere, right? And that lit a spark in us. Or rather a brief flaming ball of gas and molten materi—

02:19:41 meteor: From there it just took off. We were on fire—!

02:21:03 meteor: We were going to be stars, but faster—!

02:24:26 meteor: Everyone knows the rest: the prolific annual meteor showers, portents of doom, “Tears of St. Lawrence,” feature articles in The Farmers’ Almana—

2:26:19 meteor: We’ve been ranked the No. 1 August After-Midnight Nighttime Celestial Event 7,433 years running! At heart, though, we’re still that simple cloud of dust floating in space. You have to remember where you came from, namely Comet 109p/Swift-Tuttl—

2:33:47 meteor: There are, however, certain celestial bodies who don’t like sharing the spotligh—

The Moon: Look, I have nothing against the Perseids. They’re top-notch specks of dust, got real flare, okay? But between you and me? They’re all flash. And honestly, some of them? Not too bright. Sure, they’ve got a good thing going and I respect that. But, dude: I’m the freakin’ moon! I’m lighting up the goddamn sky! I’m pulling tides! This is important business, yo! I got a schedule to keep. So, yeah, some years I take it easy on them, other years I’m full out. I go through phases.

02:43:39 meteor: Everyone thinks we were this overnight success. But for the first 100,000 years or so, no one was watching us. I mean, literally, there were no humans. And the animals? They weren’t ready for it. We went way over their heads—

02:44:28 meteor: I guess you could call us slow growers — or “slow glowers,” if you will. [chuckles uncomfortably then vanishes abruptly]

02:47:03 meteor: The thing with celestial events is nothing is permanent. Even though we arrive like clockwork season after season, we always wonder whether we’ll be back. Will there be a Perseids 2021? Or is this the end of our streak—?

03:00:52 meteor: We also ask ourselves, are people still going to go for this? Are they really going to wake in the middle of the night, head out to their back yards and search for flaming gas in the sk—

A Dad: When I was maybe 7 years old, my father scooped me out of bed, put me in the back of the car and drove out to the country, where he spread a blanket in this big open field. It must have been 3 in the morning. I never saw so many stars in my life! And then, they moved! Shooting stars! Everywhere! It was the most amazing night of my life. So when my own son was 7, I did the same thing, only in the back yard, and I had him set an alarm on his iPhone. It was pretty damp. He lasted about four minutes. “This is boring. Can I go in now?” I stayed out, though. It’s pretty bright in town, so it’s hard to see shooting stars. I thought I saw one, but it was only a satellite.

SUOMI NPP U.S. Weather Satellite: Are you serious? This shit again? “Only a satellite”? I’m a National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration miracle of f**king technology, is what I am! Oh, sorry, orbiting the Earth 14 times a day isn’t enough for you? Measuring ozone levels, monitoring ice movement, detecting thermal radiation isn’t suitably awe-inspiring? Jesus Christ! I’m sorry, but I’m sick of it. Perseids! The world’s slowest, quietest fireworks display. Bunch of pipsqueak blips in the night sky motherf… [disappears over the horizon]

A Dad: I’d do anything to feel the joy I felt that night when I was 7. Now, as I lay there on the wet grass, I wondered if I’d ever feel real joy again. I did see one shooting star.

03:13:51 meteor: WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

A Dad: But then it clouded over.

03:15:01 meteor: Clouds!

03:15:11 meteor: F**king clouds!

Clouds: I’m really sorry, everyone. It’s not my fault. You know how the ol’ “water cycle” is, heh-heh. Just, uh, just give me an hour or so, two hours max, and I’ll be out of your way. Again, really, really sorry.

05:43:04 meteor: We try to keep things fresh by adding new comet debris to the cloud every 133 years. “Glowbies,” we call th—

05:43:08 meteor: The trick is not to fight the atmosphere but to lean into i—

05:44:11 meteor: I’ve been in that dust cloud for like a million years. I’m making this moment last forev—

05:44:48 meteor: [sings chorus to Bad Company’s “Shooting Star”; makes it two lines in before all flammable material is consumed]

05:45:16 meteor: When you come right down to it, there’s nothing like the Perseids. We’re, you know, spectacu—

05:46:02 meteor: I mean, look at us! Just friggin’ look at u—

05:46:22 meteor: Nothing dazzles the sky like the Perseids. The Perseids are a blaze of wond—

05:47:00 meteor: “I’M KING OF THE WORL—!”

The Sun: Enough of this bullshit.