Reply-all escalation

From: david.jones@bci.com| To: reg.carl@bci.com; staff@bci.com Subject: Re: News from Peggy

Thanks for the update, Reg.

Also, don’t forget to send me that link for the beard balm.

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Hi, everybody. Sorry for the reply-all. LOL.

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Hi again. Yes, I do appreciate the irony of apologizing for a reply-all with another reply-all, but I thought it was appropriate to acknowledge my error rather than have you think I was oblivious to the mistake or simply ignorant of basic email etiquette. So, again, my apologies for clogging up your in-boxes. Please: carry on.

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Sorry, last one, but I can’t let this slide. Just because I responded with “LOL” doesn’t mean I was being insincere with my initial apology. If you had happened to pass by my cubicle when I realized I had hit “reply all” to Reg’s email about Peggy’s gall bladder surgery instead of “reply,” you would have distinctly heard a rueful chuckle. It was not at all an LOL of mirth but decidedly sardonic.

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I said “sardonic,” Phil, not “sarcastic.” Get a dictionary. Also: beard balm is so a thing. Look that up too while you’re at it.

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P.S. I’d also like point out that I’m not the only one replying all here. So I’ll stop replying all when you guys stop replying all about my replying all.

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P.P.S. And, no, I don’t have to have the last word. I’m simply suggesting that certain people are being hypocritical. After all, it’s not like I was hawking chocolate bars to send my daughter’s dance class to the regionals.

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I want to apologize to Hester in accounting for my last email. My reference to selling chocolate bars was merely an example of generic reply-all emails that we’ve all been guilty of from time to time in which we fundraise for such and such on behalf of our kids. I had forgotten that Hester’s daughter has been raising money for her dance regionals, and I would just like to say that I think she is an example of courage, and I’m sure I speak on behalf of all of us at Borchek Consolidated Industries when I wish the best of luck to the East Preston Differently Challenged Dancers in their competition in Stoufferville.

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Sorry, Kenny, I really don’t know what kind of chocolate bars they are or whether they are still available. Hester, can you take this one?

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Seriously, I can’t believe that people are giving me a hard time about an accidental reply-all when all of a sudden everybody’s replying-all about Kenny’s risk of developing type 2 diabetes. Let the poor guy have his chocolate bar!

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No, Margaret, it is not the same as inquiring about beard balm, because my reply-all was an accident, as opposed to this global fretting for Kenny’s physical well-being. Honestly, doesn’t anybody have work to do around here?

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How is that in the wildest stretch of the imagination an example of “mansplaining,” Margaret? The only thing any of this has to do with the so-called “patriarchy” is that I can grow a beard and you can’t.

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Of course being able to grow a beard doesn’t make me better than you, Margaret, and, yes I believe the patriarchy is real. I only meant “so-called” in this reply-all-related instance, not as a matter of principle. Unless, of course, as a man, I’m no longer entitled to an opinion.

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Seriously, ladies, y’all need to chill! Obviously I was being sarcastic. (Not sardonic, Phil.) Jeez Louise, it’s a joke! To suggest that I am “wildly thrusting about the company’s email in some crazed testosterone-fueled frenzy of harassment” is outlandish, verging on libel. I have been nothing but a gentleman during all my years of service to this company and always – ALWAYS – maintain eye contact when you ladies lean over my desks like that with the blouses, which I get no credit for! I am woke! I follow Roxanne Gay on Twitter! I said “I like that skirt, Jean,” that one time and got accused of objectifying women – don’t think I didn’t hear you talking! – when all it was is I really did like that skirt! But this is too much! I JUST WANT A LUXURIOUS, WELL-GROOMED BEARD THAT WILL MAKE ME STAND OUT A TINY BIT IN THIS DRAB, DIVISIVE SPHERE OF MISERY AND MISUNDERSTANDING SO THAT MAYBE, JUST MAYBE, I CAN GET ONE SINGLE DATE! IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK???

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From: reg.carl@bci.com; To: david.jones@bci.com; staff@bci.com Subject: Re: News from Peggy

Hi Dave. It’s www.canadianredneckbeard.com .

– Reg