Presidential candidates’ Costco wish lists

The news this winter is largely dominated by the 2016 Presidential election. More specifically, right now, the focus is on the upcoming Iowa Caucus and the New Hampshire primary. As we have seen from the recent debates, there are still several candidates in the race, although I imagine that several will drop out (sorry, “suspend their campaigns”) if they do poorly in these crucial first contests. Given that most of the current candidates are definitely characters, I thought it would be fun to pretend that each candidate was asked what he or she would request with respect to Costco merchandise and/or policies.

*Please note that this is not intended to be an endorsement (or lack thereof) of any candidate and is not based on my own political views. Instead, it is based on the most recent news coverage and the recent debates. In addition, although there have been endless jokes about Trump’s hair, Rubio’s ears, and Christie’s weight, I stayed away from anything relate to superficial features.

When asked by a reporter, “what additions or changes to Costco’s merchandise and/or policies would you like to see in 2016?”, the candidates provided the following responses:

The Republicans:

Trump: Mr. Trump was very clear that he thinks Costco is a “tremendous” company (and, as he went to Wharton and has built “terrific” businesses, he knows!). He says that he has friends who work at Costco with whom he has great relationships. He loves them and they love him. That said, he requested poster boards cutouts that look like him, a 100-pack of “make America great again” hats in assorted colors, and copies of his book. He also stated that it would be best if products from China were banned.

Cruz: Senator Cruz hesitated, saying at first that he “disagreed with the premise of the question” but then went on to say that he would like Costco to sell a kit containing a variety of guns, and a book on how to make and keep friends. Oh, and he was adamant that the store eliminate all products produced in New York.

Rubio: Unfortunately, Senator Rubio was not there when we asked for his vote on this question.

Carson: The reporter noted that it was hard to hear Dr. Carson and that he almost fell asleep before Dr. Carson finished answering the question. However, he *thinks* that Dr. Carson requested a set of two books: the Bible and his book, Gifted Hands.

Kasich:  Governor Kasich informed the reporter that he wanted Costco to sell stamps with a special picture of his father on them, to honor his work as a mailman. He also wanted rugs in the shape of Ohio.

Bush: Governor Bush had two requests for products at Costco. He wanted them to sell sweatshirts printed with “I am not my brother” on them. In addition, he suggested that they sell a 100-can pack of energy drinks to help boost his “low energy.”

Christie: Governor Christie kept asking what Hilary Clinton wanted, emphasizing that he would make much, much better requests than she did. He also said that he would like Costco to sell passes for people to cross the George Washington Bridge.

The Democrats:

Clinton:  Secretary Clinton initially said that she would go with whatever President Obsma wanted at Costco because that seemed to have worked out well. However, when asked if she would add anything, she did say that she wouldn’t mind a heavy-duty printer to replace the one that got worn out after printing all of the emails she turned over to the government.

Sanders: Senator Sanders immediately said that all membership fees should be abolished…but then he said, “actually, that’s not enough. Let’s make all of the products in the store free samples!” When asked who would then pay for the products, he said that a solution could be to ask people how much they make when they come to the door of the store and the wealthiest could buy the products for the poorest.

O’Malley: Actually, the reporter didn’t bother to ask Governor O’Malley, even though he desperately wanted to participate.

And just for fun…

Chafee: Governor Chafee said that he didn’t care what Costco sells, as long as every item is measured in the metric system.