Power Wines for 2020

Like your fully functioning liver, the three-martini lunch is a thing of the past. But that doesn’t mean you can’t still ruthlessly administer alcohol to get ahead in business, close a professional deal or generally be a dick. One of the best options for alcohol-based manipulation is wine because that’s what this article is about.

So whether you’re charming with Chardonnay or muscling in with Muscadet, these five power wines will see you Riesling to the top to become chairman of the Bordeaux! And I’m tremendously sorry about that last sentence!

La Chat Pétillante 2018, FranceWith subtle notes of grapefruit, dandelion and former Blue Jays third baseman Rance Mulliniks, this sheepish sparkling white will announce to the world and most certainly the neighbours that you are a person who knows at all times where your keys are. Starting with a fresh nose unseen since actress Jennifer Grey’s plastic surgery, it finishes in a loud medley of show tunes that will create a viral video sensation if not quite nail the job interview. But which is more important, honestly? Serve with light appetizers and the hashtag #bestlife.

Domaine La Bamba Du Valens 2017, FranceA surreptitious blend of Merlot and Pinot Noir with Syrah shoving its way in there uninvited, as Syrah does (que Syrah Syrah), this bold, fully festooned red will impress your guests and, at 17% alcohol, cause them to lose vision in one eye. Hinting at roasted nuts and irreconcilable marriage problems, this wine is a good pairing for charcuterie and your unwillingness to alter even the most wrongheaded opinion. Whether you’re arguing that all government is theft or starting sentences with “I’m not racist but…,” this is an excellent wine for those who employ interruption as their go-to rhetorical strategy, even if said strategy serves merely to foster resentment among their—

Next! Moving on…!

Château de la Villa de la Maison du Cépage de la Domaine Bert 2019, Alsace-DoreenAn irascible Sauvignon Blanc that starts with overtones of rose hips and then turns out to have been DEAD THE WHOLE TIME! Named Wine of the Year by Wine & Ammo magazine and “Drinky McDrink Drink” by my functioning alcoholic cousin Sousee. As a power wine, this  cumbersome white says, “I’ve done things I’m not proud of and proud of things I haven’t done. I know where the bodies are buried and what to wear at a body burial. I will use a speaker phone in an open-office environment to talk to a single person. Each of my varicose veins has a story behind it. Depressed people should just cheer up. Astrology is my life.” It’s a chatty wine full of flavours and opinions.

WIEN! 2019, USA! USA! USA!If you like your wine light, fruity and subtle, GET OUTTA HERE, you snowflake! As a reaction to those stupid vegans taking all the fun out of eating slaughtered animals, WIEN! is the world’s first meat-based wine, beginning with Pinot Noir grapes fermented in oak casks and adding the goodness of hot dog water. With overtones of leather, Mack Trucks and a tarnished global reputation, WIEN! is the “wine” of choice for denying climate change and misdirected Twitter rage. Make America Drink Wiener Wine Again For The First Time.

Par la Belle Lampe à Gaz 2016, Paraguay (French Quarter)With its hints of lavender and mass-transit seat cushions, this oblique Shiraz can only be described as Beyoncé-esque, unless you are gifted with slightly more refined describing skills, in which case it can be described in any number of ways. Regardless, you’ll want to describe this empowering red to your dinner mate as colourfully as possible, enticing her to ask for a splash herself. “I already poured you some,” you say. “You did not,” your guest replies. “But I did. You drank it,” you retort. “Never,” she expounds, “look at the glass, it’s clean.” “You must have got a new glass,” you postulate. “How could I when you’ve been with me the whole time?” she objects. “Clearly you must have because the wine is gone and you have a new glass right there,” you extort. “I didn’t have any wine!” she carbuncles. “Then why did you get a new glass?” you purloin. “YOU DIDN’T POUR ME WINE!” she deranges. “I don’t think I like this game you’re playing,” you fabulate, “so if you’ll excuse me, I’ll just finish this leggy, best-ever Super Bowl halftime show and be on my way.” And you leave, taking the Lamp à Gaz with you. Your guest picks up the check.