On Craving the Chaos: Love doesn’t have to be bombs and tears and blood. Love can be peace.

“Love doesn’t have to be bombs and tears and blood. Love can be peace. And it can be beautiful. And if you’re lucky enough to find somebody who lifts you up…even when you don’t deserve it… that’s where the light is.”– Daisy Jones & the Six S1E10 Track 10: Rock N Roll Suicide

I just finished binge-watching Daisy Jones and the Six, and couldn’t help thinking back to the relationships I had before I quit drinking. Like all relationships, there were highs and lows but multiply their intensity by ten…or twenty, and you can guess what mine were like. I gravitated to (and helped foster) chaotic, on-again-off-again relationships. As much as there were creative connections we celebrated and inspired in each other, there were also flaws and susceptibilities we had in common that made the drama addictive.

“Everything that made Daisy burn, made me burn. Everything I loved about the world, Daisy loved about the world. Everything I struggled with, Daisy struggled with. But at the same time, we were a mess. Two natural disasters who needed to heal.” – Billy Dunne, Daisy Jones & the Six

Looking back now, with a healthier awareness of myself, I can understand the root of that attraction: we gravitate to people with whom we share similar traits. We recognize bits of ourselves in them, the good, the bad and the ugly. The good – as behaviours and ideologies we subscribe or aspire to; the bad and the ugly – as an affirmation that we can be loved despite our flaws. We stay in contentious relationships because conflict is distracting. The drama provides a temporary refuge from the issues we want to avoid.

“When we’re unhealed, we’re attracted to chaotic, unpredictable people. They give us the hit of adrenaline our body craves that we call passion. They allow us to play the familiar role of working or proving ourselves worthy of love, just as we did as children. As we heal, we’re attracted to safe people whose words match their actions and show us love beyond survival mode.” – Dr. Nicole LePera

Allowing ourselves to grow has a lot to do with learning how to be accountable for our choices when it comes to our relationships. We can explore our past and present motivations and choose a way forward that brings us peace.

~*~

The annual AtoZ Challenge is happening this month and prompted by the 2023 theme ‘Resilience’, here’s nine years sober, and counting… with some things to say, inspired by quotes from brilliant television series that resonate with me.