Never listen to what people say; just watch what they do.

“Never listen to what people say; just watch what they do.” – Chrisjen Avasarala, The Expanse, S2E01: Safe

This quote is hitting me hard these days and thinking about intentions and actions. About six months ago my living situation changed unexpectedly, and as far as I can tell, the change is for the long haul. It was my choice, made with the best of intentions. But it is challenging, and at night I lie awake feeling guilty for not having been my best self that day.

I’ve been happily and successfully living on my own for a few years, and I chose this new path because I was needed, and because I knew I could be of use. I told myself and others that I could do this. But while the shift to living with others has been a gift, it has also been triggering, to say the least. I’ve been setting boundaries, but we are in close quarters, and it is hard to find time alone to reset and recharge. As a result, I’m less patient than I would like to be, and my actions (while measured) don’t make me proud.

At times, I find myself irrationally reactive or bottled-up angry or in despair. When the moment has passed I think about it for hours or even days, feeling ashamed of myself, trying to work out what was so triggering, and making promises to myself to do better.

I am still working on forgiving myself and I try to understand my motivations (without criticism) and acknowledge my good intentions instead of berating myself for my mistakes. I’m working on being curious, instead of judgmental. Judging myself, or anyone else, always closes a door. I am working on being kinder and more compassionate with myself, in the hope that I will be more open, connected, and more available for myself and others.

“We can’t hate ourselves into a version of ourselves we can love.” ~ Lori Deschene

Take care, and be gentle with yourself too. Hugs, Phoenix

~*~

The annual AtoZ Challenge is happening this month; one post per day for each letter of the alphabet. I’m way behind but determined to complete 26 posts. Prompted by the 2023 theme ‘Resilience’, here’s nine years sober, and counting… with some things to say, inspired by quotes from brilliant television series that resonate with me.