My 90s Nostalgia Movie

“[Captain Marvel] spends much of the movie wearing a Nine Inch Nails t-shirt as she navigates computer cafes and CD-ROMs. The soundtrack digs about as deep as a ’90s-themed party playlist, with requisite musical cues from R.E.M., TLC, Nirvana, and No Doubt.”

– “Are We Living in a Golden Age of ’90s Period Films?” – www.esquire.com, March 29, 2019

Scene: Video store that rents VHS tapes. Chuck is behind the counter wearing a Smashing Pumpkins T-shirt and a plaid button-down wrapped around his waist. Enter Steve, a fellow employee. He sports long hair, a backwards ball cap and a soul patch.

CHUCK: Yo, dog, what is up?

STEVE: Hey, bro, I’m just coming to work at this video store, where people drive from their homes to rent VHS cassettes and then bring them back the next day or we punish them.

CHUCK: These crazy tapes. So lame. With the tracking and the lines and the rewinding.

STEVE: Some people are not kind and do not rewind.

CHUCK: Tell me about it. But Pulp Fiction was dope. I was talking about it on my chat room last night using my dial-up modem until my mother complained that I was tying up the phone line.

STEVE: We sure are living in an age of terrible technology that we truly won’t miss or feel one little bit of nostalgia for when something better comes along.

CHUCK: Better than CD-ROMs? That’s crazy. Here, hold still while I take your picture with this disposable camera. (He whips out a camera. Steve mugs, holding up a photo of Bill Clinton playing saxophone on “Arsenio Hall.” Chuck takes the picture, then throws the camera in the garbage.)

STEVE: Monica Lewinsky: babe or no?

CHUCK: I don’t know, Steve. I’m just glad we live in an age where the victim of an inappropriate predatory relationship can still be turned into a late-night punchline.

STEVE: You think that will change in the future?

CHUCK: Oh, absolutely, we’ll be totally enlightened and there’ll be no alleged sexual predators on the U.S. Supreme Court.

STEVE: Phat! But her emails…

CHUCK: Not yet…

A customer enters. She is dressed casually, almost identically to today.

CUSTOMER: I have pleated pants on!

Oh, she has pleated pants on.

CUSTOMER: And don’t forget my feathered bangs!

Fine…

CHUCK: Can I help you?

CUSTOMER: Do you have any funny Eddie Murphy movies?

CHUCK: Funny movies from the 1990s? Sorry, ma’am.

CUSTOMER: What about Clerks?

CHUCK: You mean the movie we’re kind of ripping off right now?

CUSTOMER: That’s the one.

CHUCK: (Checks comically clunky computer) Sorry, it’s out. But we can call you when it comes back.

CUSTOMER: Yes, please, call me on this comically massive cell phone. (She whips out a comically massive cell phone.)

CHUCK: It’s not that comically massive.

CUSTOMER: True, and I don’t think I’ll feel nostalgia for it in 20 years.

CHUCK: Nor should you.

STEVE: I’m still here, by the way, and I’d just like to add that it’s too bad you didn’t rent a movie because then we could have printed you a receipt on this comically slow dot-matrix printer.

Chuck and Customer stare at him blankly.

STEVE: Because it’s the 90s.

Customer leaves.

CHUCK: It sure is a time of relative prosperity and no fear of terrorists.

STEVE: An innocent time.

CHUCK: Except for that Gulf War business.

STEVE: Thank goodness that’s settled!

CHUCK: What are you going to do later?

STEVE: I’m going to a concert by Vengaboys and Aqua.

CHUCK: That’s gay.

STEVE: You can use that word because we’re not yet socially advanced enough to be sensitive to LGBTQ issues.

CHUCK: What do those letter mean?

STEVE: I have no idea.

CHUCK: Huh.

STEVE: I’m not even sure what year this is supposed to be.

CHUCK: Me, I like Nirvana and Pearl Jam and how they’ve completely drained all the fun out of rock and roll.

STEVE: Good thing, because that music will immediately enter heavy rotation on Classic Rock stations for the next 20 years.

CHUCK: It’s going to be hard to feel nostalgic for something that never went away.

STEVE: You know what I won’t miss?

CHUCK: Lame, satirical newspaper columns?

STEVE: Ha-ha-ha! Exactly!

CHUCK: Ha-ha-ha! Dunkaroo?

STEVE: Talk to the hand! Just kidding. Word! (They eat Dunkaroos and look grunge.)

The End