Musing a bit about Death

This will not be your normal volleyball related article. You have been warned.

I don’t want to say that I get writer’s block at times but it is difficult to write during the offseason things that are worth the time and, more importantly, worth your time. I do, however, get ideas or thoughts in my head that I want to write about but can’t stretch the words out long enough or maybe find the content isn’t exciting enough. This can then block me from moving on to other topics. For the past two weeks, this has sort of been the case so I’m going to push through this malaise and just write about it. Once done, maybe I can get to some volleyball related content.

My father-in-law (FIL) passed away on July 6^th. He was 100-years-old.

When it comes to death, I think I view it differently than most. I don’t fear it and I think it will be welcomed when it comes. I’ve written that death is easiest on the deceased. Their problems are gone. Their worries are no more. The problem with death is who it impacts that still is living and how they handle it. With my FIL, I have taken the brunt of handling the post-death duties. I don’t mind it but it’s a little uncomfortable as he was a step-father to my wife so he has an entire other family. The thing with my FIL, and I am pretty sure his family doesn’t read my stuff, is that he wasn’t the best person. The other thing with death and me is that I’m not hypocritical. If you were a jerk in life, you are still a jerk once you die. (I don’t think his children would disagree with my assessment but his descendants down the line had less contact and, therefore, probably saw him differently.) Anyway, I have these feelings and thoughts inside of me that are struggling to get out so here you go.

One sidebar, write your own obituary. I mean, if you are in your 20s and reading this you don’t need to worry about it just yet, but think about a parent passing and having to write this. Your life experiences with them is different than what they experienced and quite probably different than how they would want to be remembered. Just keep it updated with your will. Dying is more about ensuring that the people you leave behind are in a good place and this will help.

Back to my FIL and he did a number of things in his life that were problematic. These events/decisions had a negative impact on a number of people and for most of our relationship, I just tried to avoid him as much as possible. This became impossible later in life as we moved him and my mother-in-law near us about 5 years ago. It’s an interesting relationship to have with someone that is well liked by the outside world but not with you. I worry this will also be true for me when I finally check out. That might be ambitions as I’m probably equally disliked by both friends and family.

Again, back to my FIL and he lived 100 years. That’s just crazy and he had 5 children that are all still living. Some powerful DNA in that gene pool.

Second sidebar, save your money because you may just live to be 100. This is especially true for you young folks. Start saving what you can and putting it to work. Maximize your company’s 401K plans.

With my FIL, I saw him die. My (hot) wife and I were at a party and had just come back home when we received a call that we needed to head over to the assisted living facility. I will spare you the details but he was in a lot of pain. More pain than anyone should have to suffer. I get that we need to control things like morphine even in an assisted living facility but he should have been shot up long before we got there. I truly believe his heart gave out due to the pain.

Third sidebar, if you have a DNR (Do Not Resuscitate Document), have a copy of it on your refrigerator. We had just moved them to this new facility and it wasn’t there when we needed it. We were about a minute from him being worked and probably revived when we found it. The amount of additional pain he would have suffered due to this would have been heartbreaking. I fortunately had a picture of it and that held the paramedics off long enough for us to find the document.

In addition to the obituary, I wrote and delivered the eulogy. Anything I could have done for his direct family was a privilege but that was difficult. Speaking about someone that will bring comfort to others while also not being disingenuous is a fine line. I’m thinking I need to record my own eulogy now. I think it might be cool to hire a really good looking (younger) actor to play the part of me and have him deliver the eulogy on the video. It would also give my (hot) wife someone to flirt with at the memorial. (Thankfully, my (hot) wife also doesn’t read my stuff.)

I read (or heard) somewhere that it would be cool if we find out when you die who had a crush on you while you were alive. I would take that further and say everyone that you made a positive impact on. None of us really know the impact we had on others. Sports will typically use a plus/minus system to denote how many goals or points were scored while you were on the floor versus how many were scored on your team during the same time. I think everyone should endeavor to be a plus player in life. I actually believe that my FIL was a plus player and I think that’s what I need to remember. Less about our interactions and actions that negatively impacted the family but more about how others saw him and how he could provide joy and comfort to them.

Time to move on, which means I need to focus on volleyball a bit more than I have. Maybe time to inspect some rosters that are published. Maybe time to figure out the tournaments and start making travel plans. I think we are headed to an all-time great season of DIII volleyball. About the only thing that could ruin it would be if all of the conferences start making deals with pay-to-watch streaming services, which means less matches for me to see. Thankfully, that will never happen.