Mean Machine (Barry Skolnick) 2001

To save several people a lot of trouble I will boil down this movie in one sentence: Mean Machine is the British remake of”The Longest Yard” except instead of American football its soccer.

Now to everyone else Danny (Vinnie Jones) is a former football star who gets sentenced to jail after driving drunk and striking an officer.  An eeeeevil warden pulls strings to get Danny to his jail so he can organize an inmate team that can play his guards.  In this version, the warden is a gambler and is actually in deep to a mobster that is in his prison so the warden has a lot of money riding on the game.

What has changed in the plot?  Not a whole hell of a lot.  Like I said the movie is more about soccer and there are a few tweaks to the plot but for the most part is a scene for scene remake.  But I actually give this remake a whole lot more credit than the blander and less inspired American remake.  Skolnick is paying homage to the original but at the same time adding some edgy almost Guy Ritchie-esque type humor.  I couldn’t help but bust out when the goalie Monk (Jason Statham) goes into a trance like state where he goes on a murder rampage on the field and then snap out of it to save a goal.

I am still not quite sold on soccer being an exciting movie sport.  That’s not to say its boring but it is a more strategic sport than American football.  With American football you can film highlight reel catches, bone crunching hits, and offer a high scoring game that is credible on screen.  With soccer it smacks of a little bullsh*t to see the teams trading goals when most are 1-0 affairs.  I guess you could counter by saying these are not pros but amateur players.  I dunno, it still doesn’t quite fly with me.

That being said, I think I actually enjoy this version more than the original.  The original only really had the charisma of Burt Reynolds to carry the bulk of the movie.  With Mean Machine you have a more well rounded cast of characters that give equally good performances and the direction has a little more needed flair that the original lacked. So if you liked The Longest Yard or are even interested, I think this is a fun movie.