Losing It All

“Usually, when a man is about to lose everything, he realises what mattered to him most. He sees it clearly for the first time…Maybe you haven’t lost everything yet, huh? When you do, you will know your way home. And it will welcome you.” – Anderson Dawes, The Expanse, S01:E07: Windmills

I quit drinking when I realised I was about to lose what really mattered to me. I was a binge drinker. Which means that I didn’t drink every day, or end up drunk every time I drank, but I had problems with limits when I drank. Most importantly, I used alcohol as a means of escape instead of dealing with life. Long story short, all binge drinkers can and will become alcoholics at some point. Drinking can quickly become a maladaptive coping mechanism for dealing with pain or stress. By the time I quit, I was drinking at least three times a week and getting drunk about four times a month. Once or twice a year I’d get drunk enough to have to rely on loved ones to drive me home. The last night of drinking was one of those nights. I’m not ready to talk about the details but I will say that my sister was there that night.

The next day, when I called her to find out what had happened the night before, she was calm, collected, and did not mince words. She is a highly practical and straightforward person and there was no emotion expressed as she narrated the events of the night before. Her tone of voice was one of resignation and acceptance. She said that she was not angry with me, but had decided that she would be better off if she removed herself from my life. THAT hit me very hard.

I know I did not quit drinking for my sister but her actions that day forced me to look at the kind of person I was. I was about to lose the person I knew myself to be deep down inside to the person who was on the outside. The Me on the outside was drowning in alcohol-related side effects, and becoming someone who had no understanding of herself, and honestly, did not like herself very much. I was running from my issues, numbing them with alcohol, squashing any chance of healing or growing, and lashing out at loved ones, especially those closest to me. Like my sister. The fact that I could hurt (or frighten) her so much that she would consider removing herself from my life, shook me to my core. It was my worst day.

And, in the end, it was also my best day. It was the day I started on the path that would lead me home.

For anyone with a problem with alcohol it comes down to recognising that we owe it to ourselves, and to the love gifted to us by the people in our lives, to figure out why alcohol is a problem for us. Gabor Mate encourages us to ask, “Why the pain?” instead of “Why the need to drink?”

Finding our way home is about coming to terms with the pain that we are trying to numb. It’s about seeking a loving and adaptive way of coping with the pain. It’s about recognizing that we should have our own highest good at heart. Why shouldn’t we be better, kinder, more loving, nurturing, compassionate and understanding towards ourselves?

Long lasting changes are only possible when the driving force is rooted in self-kindness, self-compassion and self-love, as opposed to self-criticism, self-denigration and self-loathing. The first set of characteristics are rooted in love and the second set are rooted in fear – fear of not being good enough, fear of not being loved, fear of failure. Yes, we know these fears intimately, don’t we?

Most people think that being able to give up drinking is dependent on willpower, but it’s not about willpower. It’s about having a solid foundation rooted within the positive intentions of self-love, of goodwill towards oneself. Willpower is rooted in struggling, which can tend to be fear based. The foundation of change has to come from a place of self-love, of trusting that we deserve to be healthy and happy. When we grow to understand this, and really see it clearly, we will find our way home.

Love and light, Phoenix.

~*~

Prompted by this year’s AtoZ Challenge theme ‘Resilience’, here’s nine years sober, and counting… with some things to say, inspired by quotes from brilliant television series that resonate with me.