Leadership in Coaching: 5-4-3-2-1

I saw a reference to “5-4-3-2-1” and when I went to dig deeper, found that it originated (possibly…I have no way to know for sure if I am misattributing it) with Major General Thomas Jones of the US Marines Corps. He was head of the Training Command in Quantico, VA…but what made me look further was that he received his commissioning via NROTC at Eastern Illinois University where my wife has been a professor since 1991.

Since I’m taking the time to REALLY work on personal growth–as well as reflection, his concept of 5-4-3-2-1 struck me as interesting. It simply means remembering five phrases, each of decreasing word length from five to one. So, I’ll present them, then I guess reflect on them in terms of me and coaching. The five are:

5: All men are created equal. 4: Live a balanced life 3: I love you 2: Genuine concern 1: Humility

All men are created equal.

Jefferson’s famous for it but admits he took it from a fellow Virginian, immigrant Phillip Mazzei. Of course, Lafayette is believed to have used this phrase prior to 1776 in his correspondence and a century before that Milton notes ‘all men are born free’–which is essentially the same point. Mason mentions this as well in his ‘Virginia Declaration of Rights‘, dated June 1776.

There are two ways of coaching. You have ‘all men are created equal’ and then you have the Orwell/Michael Jordan rules ‘All men are equal, some more than others.’ I’ve always believed the former and disliked coaches who fall in the latter category (non-professional…at the pro level, salaries dictate treatment…). Everyone does the work and then the best players (provided they are doing the work) start. When they don’t do the work, don’t start them. When they stop working in games, they are immediately replaced. If a player misses a practice by oversleeping (or whatever), they miss the next match. If the athletic trainer says the athlete shouldn’t play–they don’t play, regardless of star power. (To judge the injury though, the one question I ask is ‘If this was a national title game, could she play or not?’…because I don’t understand the intricacies of musculature, etc–that’s their job…and they understand how/why I ask that question)

I’ve followed it even when we’ve lost matches. I sat an all-American for two weeks–we lost six matches during that time including to a couple teams which were quite unsportsmanlike in their victories (and paid for it a month later when one was defeated in the Region championship and the other in the Elite Eight). The year before that, we started the playoffs without our starting setter. She missed practice due to oversleeping. We used our right-side in her place. It is important to treat each individual based on the details of the incident and not whether disciplinary action affects the end result on the scoreboard.

I think a lot of coaches are scared to treat everyone equally; they worry about the scoreboard and potential employment consequences–or dealing with parents and administrators. Some just don’t care–the scoreboard is their god, their self-value is determined by the scoreboard and winning. But for coaches who worry about parents/administrators…what message does that send to the young people (because they are ALWAYS watching)?

Live a balanced life.

This is a struggle. Did I put too much time in with the athletes on my team? Too much time recruiting, traveling, etc–time that could have been spent with my wife and family and other events? Did I pursue other interests or did I make VB all-consuming?

I think this is a mixed bag. I don’t think I missed anything earth-shattering–and the rule since I started coaching was always if my wife or any child felt I wasn’t around too much, they could say something. No one ever did–but I also know they know I like coaching, so saying something would’ve ended that and I think that pressure may have contributed to not telling me ‘Hey, it’s time to stop’ but I can’t be sure. I did make it to senior nights, track meets, plays and musicals. I even taught week-long special seminars at the school where our first two children went (and when younger, I went to all threes’ classrooms and read books).

And yet. Time is irreplaceable. Reading this, you’ve shared five minutes of your life with me–just as I am sharing 30-60 minutes of mine in writing this. We cannot get those minutes back. Was I balanced? Rationally, the answer is yes, but my gut has doubts. (And thank you for the gift of your time!)

I think those doubts are because of me pushing through health issues a couple times and then trying to do the same this past fall to the point there was no alternative to walking away. Would better balance have prevented that–or perhaps prodded me to leave coaching sooner?

But I don’t get that time back. I can wonder ‘what if’–or I can just keep balance in mind moving forward–making sure I square away my physical health with my mental/emotional health.

I love you.

The greatest phrase in the English language–probably every other language, too. I’ve tried to show that with every group I’ve ever coached–not just that I loved them as a group but for who each of them was as an individual. I try and make sure to let my wife and kids hear those words regularly, too. You never know when the end will come–and what your last words will be to someone.

I learned that at 20 when my dad died, the power of words. My last words to him were ‘Fuck off and die.’ A week later he was dead. It took me a long time to come to terms with our last conversation (obviously an argument). I know he knew I didn’t wish him dead, he knew I loved him and I know he loved me–but those last words are how things ended. That time was irreplaceable. Ugh.

It’s also hard to love people who do not know how to truly love themselves–heck, they don’t understand what goes into love…they see it as a transaction–I’ll be nice so you give me what I want…and if that happens enough, I’ll say ‘I love you.’ Love is about giving–but it’s a struggle for me when I give and the response is only to demand more–that there’s no reciprocation, not even a ‘thank you’ offered. (But…if I ‘need’ reciprocation, am I really doing it out of love or do I want external validation?….)

It’s hard to love people who try and hurt you/damage you–the kids/parents who go to the AD (or college president) to demand you, as coach, be fired for playing time issues. It’s worse when they file accusations of improper behavior (after being removed from the team) to get you fired (or criminally charged). How do you love the club director using lies to steal kids from ethical clubs? The college coach paying kids under the table? In some cases, it is hard enough that I find it impossible to act out of love–love in a faith-based sense, love in a friendship sense, love in a ‘community of sport’ sense.

That last bit doesn’t change the power of love though for a coach. Love your players, do right by them, and they will reciprocate–usually, eventually. I am convinced this is the case at least 90% of the time. I wonder if most of the time, it is just a case that kids have not been taught that expressing love to one another is okay so that they don’t really know yet how to do it.

[Edited in: And I forgot great words of wisdom from long ago–when you teach/coach, they won’t know to thank you until five or ten years down the road. You have to be patient to receive the eventual payoff.]

Genuine Concern.

I mentioned that talking about mentorship. It’s true across coaching though. How can you get athletes to believe in you, trust you, if they don’t believe you’re truly concerned and invested in their needs?

I’m good with me and concern–right up until the last couple weeks of coaching. It was long-haul COVID which forced my time at Lincoln Land to end, but there is part of me here and now as I type this that wonders whether I had ‘genuine concern’ at the end. When a friend asked if I missed coaching recently, my response was ‘I don’t miss coming in and getting barraged by drama.’ But if I am trying to shape young people into adults–I can’t dread dealing with that stuff, can I? Doesn’t it come with the territory if I’m trying to help them become good adults?

Is there a point where ‘genuine concern’ becomes impossible due to your own exhaustion (perhaps caused by lack of life balance), where you can’t give what is necessary for the coach-athlete relationship? OR–is this flawed thinking, that since it is a relationship, the other person should also be able to express ‘genuine concern’ in some fashion?

The balance…I think I’m good. I must’ve done something right since I just wrote two letters of recommendation for people who have been out of my program now for 5+ seasons. (Or maybe it’s just two people don’t hate me….hah!)

Humility.

Defined as ‘modesty OR a low view of one’s own importance’.

Here I am writing a blog meant to be read and commented on, that I know is read by respected people in the coaching profession…and then we get to ‘modesty’…’humility’….

I’d like to think that I generally model humility. It would be easy to say ‘look at my wins and believe I’m amazing’…but while I like numbers, those wins are all due to the girls on the court. I’m firmly convinced those teams would have been successful regardless of who was coaching. I just got to come along for the ride most of the time.

I’ve tried to change as time changed, working to learn, always aware there’s a better way of doing things–whether that’s hitting a ball, playing defense, or conducting player-coach meetings.

But if we look at the last half of that definition, I’m a failure. I KNOW I’ve been important as a coach–because the doors I’ve helped open have made a difference for the people I’ve coached. A coach is critical (not just important) for opening doors, modeling ethical behavior, being a mentor, a teacher, a confidante in some instances, an advocate. For JH and HS coaches, you are often the first adult (non-family) that the kids can interact with on a relatively casual level, maybe the first they are permitted to address by a given name rather than by a title….that’s heady stuff.

Humility–weird to think about, especially when writing for an audience on a blog that is in part based on credentials and past success.

Maybe the best way to implement this is in attitude–to consider coaching as service, that we are there to work FOR the players–not the opposite. That when we win on the scoreboard, the athletes receive the praise; when we lose, the quote for the newspaper puts the failings on the head coach.

There’s a lot of self-reflection possible for you by using MG Jones’ 5-4-3-2-1 words of wisdom. The five concepts leave room for you to grow, room to improve…success in team sports, especially at the amateur level, is about relationships because coaches all have access to the same drills and are playing by the same rules.