Jaws Goes to Paris

There’s a logic, if a tortured one, for my scheduling this post for today. Jaws turned 50 this year, and of course that movie has a big Fourth of July weekend scene. But I’ve already written about Jaws. On the other hand there’s this new French killer shark movie, and not only did the French help us win the American Revolution, they went and had one of their own! So I thought I’d write about that (not the French Revolution, the shark movie). Further, it may stir the latent embers of your patriotism to see American culture reflected back at you by what has heretofore been known as one of the most culturally self-sufficient nations on earth. On the other hand, it may also sadden you. What is French cinema coming to? American cinema, apparently. And if you don’t feel like celebrating the Glorious Fourth, think of it as an early Bastille Day (July 14) and a preamble to Shark Week (July 20).

Under Paris (2024) is not the best title for this movie (I like my one better) but it is descriptive at least, and reminds us that there is a tradition of setting horror movies in the catacombs under Paris and/or in and around the Seine. I wrote about a bunch of them here. A better, more accurate version of the title might be BENEATH Paris, as in this is definitely BENEATH what we expect to flow out of the art capital of the world. On the other hand, I won’t deny that this movie is a great deal of fun. The science is nearly as bad as in those campy SyFy network spoof pictures. Jacques Cousteau must be spinning in his watery grave!

The film is about a shark that grows abnormally large unusually quickly, then (much as in Jaws: The Revenge) somehow proves intelligent enough to follow the researcher who has been studying her (Bérénice Bejo) all the way back to Paris, 12,400 miles away. The shark then swims into the Seine and mutates so that it can live in fresh water. Then, by means of parthenogenesis, it has a huge brood of offspring, and (because the gestation cycle is somehow accelerated) all of THOSE ones self-impregnate as well. And these aren’t ordinary sharks who just go about their business and only snack once in a blue moon. Real sharks typically go several days, sometimes up to two weeks, between meals. No, these sharks aren’t like that. These are MOVIE sharks, which ONLY eat. They never cease attacking and eating. If they see a human, they attack and eat it with the swiftness of Pavlov’s dog at the sound of the dinner bell. I’m surprised the sharks in the movie didn’t eat the visitors at the top of the Eiffel Tower.

Under Paris doesn’t have a story so much as it has a series of set pieces, but that’s okay because they are mighty entertaining.

The first one takes place underneath the Great Pacific Garbage Patch, where four researchers get gobbled by a shark named Lillith. (Ah! The Treachery of Woman!) Sometime later we are in Paris, where Lillith becomes the guest who showed up uninvited and just stayed. There are two opposing camps on hand, each with different approaches to the situation: a group of Paris river cops (la police fluviale) who want to shoot, shoot, shoot and blast, blast, blast; and an environmental group composed of college age girls who want to save the shark’s life, and I don’t know, dress it up like a Barbie doll or something. Both groups foul everything up, of course.

The second set piece takes place down in the flooded catacombs underneath the city, where a bunch of these sharks are now dwelling. The plan is to lure Lillith there with some kind of sound beacon and then lead it out of the city. What ends up happening is too hilarious for words. Several dozen people are all standing on slippery, narrow catwalks along the edge of the water. When one of the girls is attacked, a panic breaks out. People start to stampede, Many fall in the drink and become shark chow. They hadn’t even been in the water. All they had to do was not fall in the water.

Did we forget to mention the big swimming race due to take place in the Seine that week in preparation for the upcoming Olympics? Very topical! (This movie came out last year). In the best Jaws tradition the mayor won’t hear of cancelling the race. And the plot to kill all the sharks or trap them back in the catacombs has failed. So at the climax, we get to watch dozens of sharks pick off dozens of Olympic swimmers, while horrified onlookers shout “Les requins! Les requins!”

Oh, I think I also failed to mention that in an early scene we learn that the river police have become aware of an unexploded stockpile of World War Two ordnance underneath the Seine. So something triggers all these bombs and then the Seine floods Paris so the sharks are swimming throughout the city — Over Paris, if you will. The film literally ends with sharks having taken over Paris. Listen, it could happen. Did you see the most recent French election results?

Under Paris is available to watch on Netflix.