Is There Anyone Home?

Home is where the heart is, it’s where we lay our respective hats, it’s also where a considerable portion of my accumulated earnings are depleted and dispersed on. Add additionally conducive idioms that appropriately express your fondness for your respective homestead if you desire to, otherwise you grasp what I’m trying to convey here. I spend proportionate time wistfully circulating my firm, colonial adulation for the PlayStation, often conducting myself with prestigious, cavalier resentment to the folios discrepancies that occur, and minor indolence to the otherwise polished practicality of Sony. “The PS3 overestimated its initial cost on announcement with an inflated numerical disadvantage?” Nonsense I say, it was generously priced. “Sony’s on-line security service clearly lacks the regulated expertise to competently defend against exploratory infiltrators with complacent system algorithms?” Rubbish, these cretinous hackers got lucky. Besides the incident was dealt with efficiently and with minimum of interference to the actively populated on-line service, with only a month needed to safely deal with external tampering and sensitive information pilfered from….well, everyone. I have nourished my gaming inhibitions by suckling the udder of PlayStation exclusivity, and I will continue to do so unabated until my lips are puckered tighter than my bosses wallet, with cankerous blisters, swollen and inflamed lips full of putrid retention of infectious secretion and I can suckle no more. I have taken a solemn oath of fealty, to blindly withhold the values of conduct issued by Sony, perturbed by it folly’s and its evasive manoeuvres when scrutinised, while maintaining a measured self-assurance of my integrity. I’m here to defend against any rhetorical slurs of misconduct and suitably retaliate with prudent ferocity, personified in this instance by my own vengeful ignorance. But despite the crudity of my methods and steadfast vigilance I will capitulate one glaring flaw, PlayStation Home.

“What is it? kill it kill it!”

Now there are some unspecified individuals who will defend this freely accessible feature, perhaps even praise its innovation; but these people singularly invest the majority of the day securely harnessed, in a cushioned, lightly furnished and ventilated room, smearing faeces on the padded wall as a form of communication. PlayStation Home was meant to provide us with simulated metropolis where we could interact with other gamers that shared similar interests in a highly embellished, fictional location, or something like that, I’m really not sure what service this feature was supposed to provide. It was a baffling conception that only deteriorated further. Large portions of your time were exhausted postulating what to do. “Let’s play pool!” which is similar to real pool, except nothing like actual pool and without the ability to cheat or the incentive to care. “Lets Go Bowling instead!” which is similar to Wii Bowling, just unspeakably dull. “Let’s ride the Ferris Wheel then?!” Which again is similar to the real life duplicate, except without the nauseating sensation of rotary repetition, nor the enticing prospect of plummeting from the constricting bars that shackle you in the carriage and impaling yourself on the barriers below. And the creatures that congregate on there!

“….Rubbish.”

PlayStation Home is regularly circulated by some of the most grotesquely constructed interpretation of humans since Frankenstein, with largely embellished opinions of their aesthetics. Even individuals who have tried to encapsulate themselves with little more humility and sense of believability to this virtually simulated entity, with modestly garbed perceptions more akin to their likeness, or even a stylised version of themselves with proportionate facial features or exaggerated complexion, still look as though they belong in prison. Conversing with each other with meticulous speech with visual quotations, only to receive a generic or illiterate responses, a gesture that vaguely alleviates to your clearly enthralling wit, or through the medium of interpreted dance. “Ha Ha Ha! LOL! Wot U jus saying is soooooo funny”. *Dances the macarena to demonstrate their approval for your hilarious anecdote*. “Yes I believe that governments must initialize strategically placed cuts to insolent expenditures, by cutting costs gradually to solidify stability within the economy”. Roughly retorted to on Home; “yes, I agree. Now let’s dance like poultry!” My point is that there is no tangible sense of community, just forced alienation of social interactions, facilitating all manner of derivative excursions seemingly designed to induce narcoleptic stupor’s, and a gestures list that negligibly omits certain popular, middle digit exchanges.

Let me surmise this negative editorial of revulsion by submitting this friendly, though constructive notion; PlayStation Home shouldn’t be considered for the PS4, but should frankly be handled with an appropriately fortified plastic bag, now lightly grasp the virtual excretion (remember to bend your knees while doing so Sony), spray generously with febreze to the irritated area that facilitated it (other fabric, odour eliminators are available), and with delicate promptness, dispose of the irritation at the nearest convenient waste disposal facility, ignite the suggested receptacle……and run!

 What Did you think of PlayStation Home? And what would you want to see eliminated from the next generation of consoles? Let me know your thoughts. Cheers.