Iowa State: Smitty’s Underwear Incidents (and revenge)

College was amazing in the era before social media–you make so many friends, meet so many people…and then you wind up witnessing the carnage that comes with relationships between people who already know one another. This ‘carnage’ may be something like the Iowa State: Reggie and the Water Tube story. Or…it can take other forms.

So that reminds me of Smitty and his underwear problems…and his revenge.

In the Fall of ’87, we added a new freshman to the floor–that’s Smitty. Smitty was an engineering student but in high school, he was a wrestler (so you get his build/body type). He also did a lot of theater and singing–talents he’s still using 30+ years later…and he’s even going to direct a play for the first time (I love the success of my friends!).

Anyways, Smitty’s mom failed in one important task when he came to college. She did not teach him proper laundry basics. That meant that when he needed to do laundry for the first time, he put it on warm water (no problem, right)…and then mixed his reds and whites. You mix red and white and you get a lot of pink. Including underwear.

Being a bad person, at the floor meeting on Tuesday, Smitty’s roommate, “Oil” displayed Smitty’s pink underwear for everyone on the floor. This immediately became a floor award for doing freshman-like things…which led to his underwear being put on display for a couple weeks (it may have been a month) on the wall next to the entrance to Foster House.

Now–to be fair, Smitty learned from this…and I don’t recall him mixing colors ever again. Of course, I do remember my last semester, after we moved into Friley Hall and were forced to become Niles-Foster (no idea why Iowa State mandated putting the inferior group first). It was the spring of 1989 and Smitty was upset. He kept doing his laundry but no matter how much money he fed the dryer, his clothes (underwear) wouldn’t get dry! “Did you clean the lint filter, Smitty?” I asked. “The what?” …and after that, no more laundry problems for the Smit-ster.

***

The other underwear issue involved a high school rivalry for Smitty. One of the people from his high school to come to Iowa State was his friend Glenda. They did pranks on one another pretty often. One night, we were at “Windows” one of Friley’s dining areas…

Windows Dining Hall, circa 1948

…and it was busy. Both entrances, both lines were long. We got through the line and started looking for a spot to sit for our group. Windows was a big area, so you’d have to scan for a little bit if you were looking for a table for 4-6 people. That proved bad for Smitty.

While we were there looking for a table, Smitty’s there in a t-shirt and shorts, holding a tray in both hands full of food with a couple small glasses of drinks on it, when Glenda walked up behind Smitty–unaware of her approach because otherwise he would’ve avoided what was coming–and she proceeded to depants Smitty, putting his pants down to his ankles, leaving him there in his tighty-whities in front of several hundred other diners.

Glenda took off. Smitty turned red. All I remember Smitty saying was “You’re dead, Glenda. Dead. So dead.” To Smitty’s credit, I remember him staying calm afterwards. None of us harassed him for it either…while it was funny, this was his own private little war. We weren’t going to interfere (though if he wanted help, we would’ve–Foster was Foster, always united)….and then it all faded away.

Until a few weeks later. After the Windows Underwear Incident, Glenda got a bit paranoid, was on her guard constantly–the guilty flee where no man pursueth. Except Smitty was pursuing. He was just patient. If my memory is correct, Smitty got his revenge in Windows–but on the other side of the hall (nearest Friley’s big doors).

Smitty was already eating–if my memory is correct–because I remember being in line. Glenda was there, not paying particular attention and that moment when you let your guard down, that’s the problem. Smitty casually went up to the salad bar, filled one of the black plastic bowls with an inordinately large quantity of peanut butter and started walking towards his table–which conveniently was the same direction as where Glenda was standing. Smitty came up behind her, flipped the bowl upside down, and pushed a pound of peanut butter into her hair. And then he ran.

Ohhhh, the good times life offers. Little things that stick with you that deserve to be remembered for no good reason other than smiles and triggering other stories.