I am not a terrorist. Just saying…

If we’ve learned one thing, it’s that you can never be too careful. If we’ve learned two things, it’s that anyone can be a terrorist. If we’ve learned three things, I’d be very surprised.

This past Monday, Canadians woke up to news that two men living in Toronto and Montreal were plotting an attack on a VIA Rail train. From this we can conclude that there are Al-Qaeda cells operating in Canada and that Canadians sleep in way late, because this news was announced at 3:30 in the afternoon. No wonder Canadian productivity is so low. Get out of bed, Canadians!

What’s shocking is that these alleged terrorists were hiding in plain sight, which is a way of saying that they weren’t very good at hiding at all. So why not just say that? I don’t know, I like clichés. Leave me alone!

One of the suspects posted the black flag of radical Islam as his profile photo, which is a bit of a giveaway. Black flag = red flag. Choose the cute kitten picture for your Facebook profile, terrorists, always the cute kitten!

Does this look like a terrorist to you?

Furthermore, the suspects were witnessed watching trains and rail yards. This is highly suspicious and unusual behaviour because it is really, really, really dull. Who does that? Terrorists and senior citizens, that’s who, and neither group can be fully trusted.

One of the suspects also set himself apart by being an annoying, obstinate, loudmouthed post-graduate student. Actually, scratch that. That doesn’t set him apart at all.

The Canadian terrorist plot is a bit of a black eye for Canada, whose reputation for producing terror has never fully recovered from the release of Nickelback’s in 2008.

The Canadian arrests come just a week after the Boston Marathon bombings, which were perpetrated by two brothers, one a U.S. citizen, the other a legal resident. This means that terrorists are among us. This means we must be ever vigilant. This means we can expect further tinkering of our civil liberties in the name of public security. Way to ruin it for the rest of us, terrorists!

It also means you are a potential terrorist until you prove otherwise.

Terrifying? Yes. Terrorist? Doubtful.

So, before I get picked up and subjected to harsh Nickelback-based interrogation methods, I’d like to clear the air about any terrorist-related allegations that might be made against me.

Contrary to what you may have heard (through the wiretap), I have never said, “I like radical Muslims.” What I said was “I look radical in muslin.” This was the time I dressed up as Marie Antoinette for a midnight screening of . The midnight screening turned out to be , but that’s an uncomfortable story for another time.

The only plot I’ve ever devised is one for a proposed television pilot about a manservant by day, hair stylist by night. It was called “The Butler Dyed It.” Like the Canadian terrorist plot, it poses no imminent threat of ever occurring.

Please note that I said I liked small wire-haired dogs. That makes me a “terrierist.” Not the same thing.

And so what if I grew a beard? That doesn’t mean I’ve embraced Islam. It means I’m dead sexy. It also means that certain members of the audience at were confused about who I was dressed up as. I did get a few phone numbers, though, so that’s something.

It’s true that I have levelled criticism at our government in the past and that I imagine there’s a sense of glee among the fear-mongering Harper crowd now that Canada’s allowed to eat at the big-boy terrorist table. But criticism is still allowed, right? Yes? Hello-o-o-o…?

Finally, I’m grateful to live in a diverse, multicultural country where it’s safe for people of all backgrounds, religions and races to work and raise their families, where news of bungling terrorists doesn’t send everyone into a media-fed panic, and where people still have the freedom to make jokes of questionable taste.