Grapplin’ With the BBQ Nerd: WrestleMania 34 Review

Hey fans! So one of my passions is professional wrestling, and if that’s not your thing, this is just not the article for you! I do promise I’ll be back this week with a special look at poultry in BBQ joints, but I also understand that some folks just don’t like pro wrestling, and that’s fine. For now, let’s take a look at my ratings for the matches, and my feelings of the show overall.

In match order (beginning with the pre-show), score out of 5-

1. Andre The Giant Battle Royale- 2.5 (P) 2. Cruiserweight Title match- 3.5 (P) 3. Women’s Battle Royale- 3 (P) 4. Triple Threat for IC Title- 4 5. Smackdown Women’s Title Match- 4.25 6. Fatal Four-Way for US Title- 2.5 7. Kurt Angle/Ronda Rousey vs HHH and Stephanie McMahon- 4.25 8. Triple threat for Smackdown Tag Titles- 2.5 9. John Cena vs Undertaker- 2 10. Shane McMahon/Daniel Bryan vs. Sami Zayn and KO- 3.5 11. Raw Women’s Title match- 2.75 12. WWE Title match- 4 13. Raw Tag Title match- 3 14. Universal Title match- 2.5

So right off the bat, my scores are for match quality PLUS entertainment value of the angle. So Daniel Bryan’s return gets a higher just because it’s Bryan’s return. So let’s dig into my top 5 things about the event and the bottom five.

1st BEST thing- Charlotte vs. Asuka was the best in-ring action of the entire night. Honestly they could book these two next year to headline the whole show, and I would be happy. The action was crisp, the story very straightforward, and the ending unpredictable. The streak of Asuka was broken in a slightly shocking manner, but NOW we can watch every Asuka match with the knowledge that she could always lose. A fine stage and great opponent to put over in the process.

1st WORST thing- Brock Lesnar vs. Roman Reigns disappointed in every sense of the word. The last 30 seconds or so were interesting, but before that it was the same Lesnar match we’ve seen with one clear exception- his opponent kicked out the F5. Or I should say, kicked out of F5s. Five of them. The move that single-handedley  took out Strowman seemed ineffective against Roman. Which of course the crowd vented their frustration at, assuming we were gonna see Roman come back. But he didn’t, got bloodied up in an uncomfortable spot thanks to Brock’s elbow, and took the sixth and final F5. Part of me thinks the crowd would have reacted better if they actually believed we were seeing a squash. But everyone assumed the Roman would win. I guess… yay for being unpredictable, but the crowd was certainly not sent home happy.

2nd BEST thing- Ronda Rousey suprised the hell out of me. I was expecting minimal involvement, and a green celebrity. Instead her presence elevated the match, and she looked like a natural, although she was still protected. The inter-gender sections of the match were a welcome return to an older era, and for a minute it looked like HHH was gonna tap out to Rousey. The crux of this match really hinged on the fact that we, the audience, could actually believe HHH/Stephanie would book themselves to win, and they spent quite a bit of the match convincing us that was the case. Luckily the right team won, and this remains the most pleasant surprise of the night.

2nd WORST thing- Undertaker vs. Cena didn’t need to be a match. It could have been a beat down and no one would have cared. As is, Cena’s reactions to matches, and his running to the back during the cool down of Asuka/Charlotte distracted and even trampled on the hard work his peers put in. The match, if we can call it that, was Undertaker’s greatest hits, and that’s it. Cena selling the sit-up was entertaining, and Elias shined as a troll, but overall this took up too much of an already packed card. I’m sure, though, this came off better live.

3rd BEST thing- The IC triple threat match was absolutely the right call to open the main show. All three men put in a hell of an effort in a match that never slowed down. This match had a great finish, some innovative spots, and the right winner. Miz should eventually get his title back, but this match came very close to being the very best on the card, and gave the crowd a feel good moment and a new Grand Slam champion.

3rd WORST thing- I hate to say it, but the Smackdown tag match might have been my biggest disappointment in the whole card. These teams should have had the chance to tear the house down, but were given the buffer spot and featured an extended, albeit less one sided, squash. The right team won here again, but this could have been so much more. How is a show THIS long so pressed for time?

4th BEST thing- Daniel Bryan’s return did everything it needed to do, even if it wasn’t the return match we all wanted to see. His hot tag was refreshing, as it didn’t just immediately jump to his moves of doom. Instead he slowly got into the ring, with the entire arena in the palm of his hand. This could have been better from an in-ring perspective, but as a moment? Fantastic and hard to top.

4th WORST thing- Jinder Mahal won the title he should have won last year when he wasn’t ready for a main title run. However he did it at the expense of the most over star on Smackdown, Rusev. Why have him in the match if he wasn’t going to win? Hell, Rusev even took the pin. This Fatal Four-way could have been absorbed by the Battle Royale and nothing would really have been lost.

5th BEST thing- The Shinsuke heel turn was PERFECT! The match was very good, but nowhere near the expectations built up by fans and the WWE. Part of this was due to the structure of the match, and that suffered due to the lack of heel/face dynamics. Now we have that dynamic back, and their rematch will have the sizzle this one lacked. The moment of betrayal helped mirror Asuka/Charlotte from earlier, with Asuka showing true sportsmanship, and Shinsuke using it as a ruse. What a Mania Moment!

5th WORST thing- This may be a cheat, but EVERY ONLINE FAN pissed off that Nicholas is our new Raw Tag Team Champion, along with Braun Strowman. First off, what a great, surreal moment! Strowman teases a mystery partner then picks a kid out of the crowd (“randomly” but of course we know that’s not the case). The pop for his tag was INSANE. And now, he’s technically one-half of the Raw Tag Team Champions. And while most folks online had fun with it (the Wikipedia page was a highlight), many folks took to the interwebs to take a dump on a moment that, let’s be honest, any of those fans would have LOVED to have had at that age. Or this one! Seriously, this is why I love pro wrestling.

Overall, this Mania was prettttty good. The first half was MUCH better than the second, but they had a mix of great in-ring action and moments. The ending was a complete downer, and the Cena/Taker mess accomplished nothing. A few matches also suffered from awkward placement and time constraints, which is still a crazy thing to say for a seven hour long show! That’s probably the biggest issue, thematically with the event. A lot of these issues could have been fixed if they had trimmed the card a bit.

On the plus side, what a great Mania for Women! Four matches on the card with female representation. The Raw Women’s Title match gave us a feel good moment, the Women’s Battle Royale outdid the men’s, Ronda Rousey outdid expectations, and the Smackdown Women’s Title match outdid pretty much everything else on the card. Pepper in a great opener, epic return, a good WWE title match with a buzzworthy swerve, and overall unpredictable booking, and you have a solid, if a bit uneven and exhausting, WrestleMania.

FINAL SCORE: 3.5/5