Goat Simulator Really Got My Goat!

I realise trophies/achievements aren’t for everyone, but for me trophies have always represented an additional means of self-gratification, a motivation often exhibited through the natural exploration of my peripheral environment. The active procurement of these academic novelties may seem like dubious motivational incentives, with many refuting their very existence, proclaiming them as negligible trinkets designed to enforce some of the more imitative elements of the game that most choose to ignore. My labour’s aren’t regulated by these deceptive gratuitous, nor do they reflect my overall contribution for the suffused range of diverse trophies as a compulsory provision. I do crave a symbolic, ultimately hollow recognition for my achievements by any asinine means to facilitate this dormant ambition though, which does kinda conflict with the previous sentence? The satisfying audible alert that indicates that the specific parameters have been honoured is both an effusive presentiment and a blessed relief. I’m not saying that accumulating these postures of conceit and boastfully displaying them to regale all curious spectators is the most vital of provocations, though I do exhibit them with a deep sense of adulation. It may seem like a speciously conceived precursor, but having a notified prescient for what challenges I maybe confronted with and whether or not I’d feel encouraged to partake in the subsidiary procurement of trophies, presents me with suitable logistical deferential for the errands that require intervening accordance. Anything that enhances my experience, without jeopardising my pleasure or motivates me to explore other avenues I would otherwise dismiss is advantageous. These sensible predilections were vindicated when I decided to purchase “Goat Simulator” for a reduced price, recline in earnest capitulation and acquire an easily accessible platinum trophy.

I had downloaded Goat Simulator with the intention of sating my own prolonged curiosity about this antagonistic Bovidae miscreant. A composite merger of goat and Bin Laden, that is most likely an insurgent placed at the behest of some surreptitious terrorist organisation (no one would suspect a docile goat grazing in a field!). But the facile inventory of objectives associated with the trophies was a beneficial coincidences that I’d be able to procure with minimal exertion, as there isn’t a specific narrative complexity that undermines these trophies. Your just a goat head-butting pedestrians up the backside, climbing ladders with your elasticated neck and causing proprietary terrorism that would make the Taliban blush. Due to the narrative limitations, securing the trophies required an inflation of creative design, with the extraction of these achievements somewhat enjoyable if overtly elaborate. Watching the elasticity of a flailing pedestrian straddling a kamikaze goat as it takes flight from a conspicuously constructed catapult being a particular highlight. A game of such assorted arbitrations doesn’t exactly boast a cultivated story of detachment associated with being an invulnerable, often omnipotent goat that relishes licking roller-coasters. So I had some fun, blew up some petrol stations, went into space, licked some protesters, bounced on some stained mattresses and went as limp as a dozing weasel as I hurled my flaccid body at a dancing spectator. “Oh the guffaw and lingering mirth is unassailable. Look, that’s another trophy. Ooh, that’s another. What’s this trophy? Hmm? Seems simple enough.”

Many frustrating minute’s later……

“Goats. Why did it have to be goats?!”

Who designed this stupid, irrational, exasperating pooey bum, turgid, tree frog skunk facing….ugh…..uh?….poo! That’s all my nurtured maturity can annunciated at this point: POO! The provoking interjection of this crippling mini game was so prejudiced towards the player that the developers must have been consorting with Satan. My prolonged duress and subsequent derision was initiated by a cheap imitation of the now defunct game “Flappy Bird.” “Flappy goat” (a name so hysterical that my sides have been declared legally dead!) deferred all the frustrating synergy reflected in its imitated mechanics, and amplified it’s deformities with hit detection so defective it’d be as practical as a penguin in a game of tennis! Complemented with an already awkward camera angle and overlapping soundtrack that Pee Wee Herman would listen too if he were sexually assaulting a clown! I employed stoic demeanour as I attempted a couple of run through’s and cordially assessed that this would require a moderate degree of application to successfully guide the goat through the necessary ladders (10) to complete the obstacle. A projected time of approximately half an hour was soon curtailed by the grievously deficient hit detection that required the precision of a surgeon, delicately making incisions on a patients heart ventricles with a meat cleaver, while the other hand is threading a sausage through a needle. All the subjective levity associated with simulating a psychopathic goat were gone, discharged with abrupt insolence. I became so agitated by its deficient ineptitude that I actually tried to take a bite out of the controller?! When that immediately failed I just gnawed on it for a while like a confused rodent, before receding into a diminished mass of volatile incontinence, verbalizing consonants and vowels with equal deficiency.

This convalescent trophy must have been implemented by a developer with a complacent dismissal for humanity. An individual so spiteful that they desired to inflict their own generated suffering onto the rest of the world. It’s a mini game as reactive as a snoozing sloth on holiday, exerting a stymied deference of skill, and instead focusing on an individual’s techniques and patience. Descending too quickly results in you crashing, elevating too much and a similar result applies. This repugnant achievement deserved strategic, contemptuous evasion and it’s vilification was only moderately alleviated by its successful completion. It’s deliberate imposition composed to infuriate and taint my vocational qualifications failed, yet my spirit and will to engage in its dearth of emotionally repressed benevolence and light-hearted yarn is currently weeping at the bottom of the garden, next to my hope for another Onimusha title!

You think I’m overreacting? This video is but a fraction of the highly edited, non-sequential hell I endured. This music will haunt you eternally! You have been warned!

What’s the most frustrated you’ve ever been with a game? Let me know in the comments below. Cheers.