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What is every North American’s dream? Long lustrous hair that flows in slow motion like a summer breeze, of course. But the other dream is to be number one at whatever it is we do. And the one thing that everyone does is exist. Ranking in the top 10 of being, however, that’s a tall order. If you’re a cook at a greasy spoon, it’s a short order. Either way, the competition is fierce.
Being number one at being doesn’t happen by accident. It takes dynamic top-down marketingand optimization along with occasional “bottoms-up” martinis and libations. But more on trendline alcoholization later.
This is not your grandfather’s existence. We live in a multi-segmented, post-humanistic, funnel-cookie age, with billions if not billions-and-a-half people competing for that top spot in the existence peopleplace. You may have terrific personality and that fabulous hair we spoke about earlier, but do you think that mere substance is going to keep your rank top-shingled? Do you seriously imagine that by regularly refreshing your knowledge-base and content nubbins you’ll be rank-grappling with the Kardashians? Do you really? You disgust me!
Thankfully, I’m a far better person than you (currently ranked #37,900,002!), trending high on “selflessness” and “givingosity,” so I’m “happy” to demonstrate some “best practices” to improve your being score. “You’re Welcome 2.0.”
First of all, it’s important to document every statistical aspect of your life, bearing in mind that, as Socrates said, the unexamined life is not worth uploading. Moreover, it’s not enough to merely compile your statistics. You must pore over them constantly and algorithmacally. Probe, configure and reconfigure. Put the “anal” in “analytics.”
Learn how to read your numbers. For example, have you switched religions multiple times in your lifetime? This is your conversion rate. Have you spent more hours than the global median on trampolines? This is your bounce rate. Do you ingest more than the daily recommended amount of sodium and fat? This is going to kill you.
Death, incidentally, will severely penalize your life-being rank. If you do plan on dying, it’s important to implement a 301 redirect (see also: duplicate content; reincarnation).
Next, in order to increase your flappilation score for long-tail searches and ring-tailed lemurs, strategize the organic putting-in-ness of keywords. These are important words and phrases that will help people find you, even when you’re hiding beneath a pile of coats in the guest room, which is my favourite place to be at parties because that’s where the wallets are. You want to use common words like “hello” and “outrage” in combination with more specialized words that will help you stand out, such as “glunk” and “persimmon.”
Don’t conflagulate your conversation with bogus common keyword splatter. For example, using “The the the the the the the Ross Murray is a god the the the the the…” is considered black hat, and there are generally no wallets stored inside black hats, so what’s the point?
Instead, try using metawords: metaphors, metafictions, metabolic steroids, what am I meta money? etc.
Rank practices for life-being are constantly evolving, what with people being born all the time and some of these people being huge jerks, so it’s important to remain vigilant regarding new techniques and ever cognisant that it’s never-ever going to be enough. For instance, the standard practice used to be “tagging,” which involved reaching out and grabbing people’s links. But this call-to-action often resulted in a call-for-police. Lately, tagging has been replaced by “tickling,” with some experts preferring “spider-monkeying” and others still suggesting “spin-cycling.” Will we see the day when “kidnapping” becomes the norm? We can only dream!
Beaver-generated content? It’s possible.
Adwords? Adsurd!
Backlinks? Backbacon!
Pixies? Some say “yes,” some say “no,” some say “PPC PHP R-E-S-P-E-C-T sock it to me sock it to me sock it to me…”
Are you #1 yet? Of course not. Are you higher than #37,900,002? Don’t be ridiculous! Ha-ha-ha! Foolish mortal! You won’t even get close until you’re fully engaged and rumoured to be eloped with all available platforms: bus platforms, train platforms, political platforms, platform shoes. Are you on Noodle? Noodle+? Woozle? PutThat? GratuiTousCapiTals? SparkleLust? Why Not? (That’s not a question; that’s the name of a peer-pressure-positive social platform.) Igwanna? Malarkee? Bunderfuzzle? WoodenBoardWithCrookedNails? Should I Continue? (That’s a question.)
Once you’re on every platform (i.e. you’ll never be) you’ll require constant self-awareness, narcissism and fresh socks to make a go of it. With perseverance and a little luck, your being rank will be incrementally higher than it was, but probably not.
Finally, don’t forget to be good looking and rich. Be generous with drinks.
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