From The Receding Gloom, To A Terrified Groom

For the next week I will be dousing myself in the replete Portuguese sunshine, with her subtle extremities providing nourishing provisions to my pale complexion, as I relax nonchalantly beside the tranquil pool, renouncing all former citizenship to the perpetuating precipitation in the UK. Complacent ignorance is the regimented staple of for my singular holiday etiquette as the gentle caress of the sun begins to scold me into a deeper shade of Lobster. So not only will I not be contributing to this site for about a week, I’ll be also leaving a former article that concluded in somewhat enigmatic fashion (see “Winning…..Eventually”) and will have to remain in a state of persistent ambiguity, much like characters in dungeons and dragons TV show. So instead of gaming until my thumbs submit to paralysing entropy, or my neighbours pound the wall due to my overzealous digressions and insinuations, I’ll be nurturing the natural virility of the sun, exploring the venerable markets for cheap gaudy fridge magnets and other vulgar trinkets to gift friends and family to make it look as though I thought about them on my excursions. I’ll be subtlety observing the moderately attired woman, garbed in their diaphanous dresses with my vigilant, borderline perverted vision concealed behind darkened aviators so my gorgeous girlfriend (whom I love and respect) wont be able to admonish me (and of course maintaining a respectful distance).

I expect your jealous now, right? Wrong.

Even if you set aside the constant respiratory issues I’ll sustain from the primacy of humidity we’ll endure, the ruminating tedium of assuring my other half that I’m not looking at other woman’s “bewbs”, or recanting how I curtly dealt with a customs officer–who had surprisingly delicate hands–as he explored the deepest recesses of my rectum, likely searching for contraband but finding only, well lets not go there shall we? No the problem lies in me attending a wedding. I’m reluctant to attend any nuptials, not because the specific individuals matrimonial’s–a couple that have been engaged in cumulative betrothal for longer than its taken me to read the entire Game of Thrones compendium (that’s a long time!). But simply because of my profuse reluctance to engage in the according platitudes and pious conversations with, well anyone, as well as being exceptionally well versed in the ways of social inadequacy. So for the purposes of solidarity and because of the free residency permitted to myself while on temporary extradition from the UK (which I appreciate guys!) I will refrain from my usually abrasive proclivity for honest declinations. And if I being honest with you and indeed myself, I’m going to……come closer will you! *Whispers* “I’m going to love it!” The atmosphere, the local culinary delicacies, the venerated pitchers of citric tipple and winding up the prospective groom by continually insinuating that his current virility will disperse once he pledges fealty to a soul sucking demon witch! Mwahahah!

See you soon.