Festivus for the VB Coaches/Refs in us

Festivus is clearly the best modern fake holiday (it’s really one of only two things good to come from the TV show ‘Seinfeld). As part of it, you have the annual airing of the grievances. Though the TV show declares it to be December 23, I think for volleyball, it is better if the date is set as ‘one week before the NCAA D1 championship’. No need for further exposition…but I’m hoping people will have other solid gripes to air in the comments for when I reprint it in 2025 and beyond:

• Replay sucks. We say we want the game decided on the court but then we invent a system that adds 20 minutes to every NCAA game for no good reason. Media timeouts, team timeouts, challenge timeouts–whee! How about we just play and what happens, happens?

• Coaches who call for replays at match point when it’s 24 to nowhere the hell close to 24. You’re not winning; all you’re doing is taking away a spontaneous celebration from the winners…especially sucky if you’re in a championship of some type. Things like ticker tape should come down while the players are piled up, not standing and waiting for a ref ruling.

• Refs on power trips–ever notice the power-trip refs are always the ones with the weakest grasp of the actual rules?

• People complaining that VB isn’t changing fast enough with TV coverage and resources. Why not come back with me to 1990 or 2000, live VB then and THEN keep whining. Let’s not even talk about pre-1990. Complaining that you have to *pay* to have access to every NCAA playoff game…hey, go check out the NFL/NBA/MLB access prices…poor VB people having to pay $8 for one month of ESPN+ access. $8–not even the cost of a value meal at McDonald’s.

• Rules sets. Why does the US insist on having rules for NCAA, NAIA (unlimited subs), men’s/USAV, and HS? Why not have everyone play by the same rules?

• Illinois. Cheap state–pay officials a fair wage. While you’re at it, mandate the use of line judges in matches and then let varsity matches be 3-of-5 rather than 2-of-3. The claim is it is too expensive to do–great, but you didn’t talk about expense adding a third ref for basketball games, right, or now adding a shot clock and an extra timer as personnel for that sport.

• HS bus rides in AUG/SEP. There’s nothing like going from one place with A/C to another with A/C on a bus without it on a 2-3 hour ride with a heat index of 40-45°C (C=civilized).

• Coaches insisting ‘pin hitter’ get used instead of ‘outside hitter’. Does it really matter as long as you know what I’m talking about. See also: antenna vs. pin.

• Bring back blocking serves. If serves can hit the net, why not let the receiving team block the serve? It won’t happen often but would be fun to see.

• You shouldn’t be able to refer to a coach at the HS level who has recruited his team as a great coach. If they were actually great–they’d win with the talent that was already at that school.

• You shouldn’t refer to a college coach as a great coach if they aren’t graduating at least 75% of their team. If we’re semi-serious about STUDENT-athletes, it should be that way in conversations–and displayed on TV, too.

• The cost of travel sports is outrageous. There’s no justification for it. Preying on parent/kid dreams of scholarships is horrible.

• The cost of a uniform is outrageous. My God, uniform tops are $70-plus and made from flimsier fabric than the sleepwear of women in late-night Skinemax movies.

• Hey–maybe it’s okay to wear t-shirts and save kids a bunch of money? Nahh–just kidding, better to claim you’re a better club because you charge more/have better uniforms.

• Coaches–if you win the Chartreuse Duck flight at AAUs…you are NOT a national champion. Putting a banner in your gym saying you are is an outright lie–claiming you are ‘final four’ because you were in the Aqua Mouse Pool…which only had four teams in it anyways…even worse. 

• Why do coaches insist, when confronted with dozens of articles, thousands of points of data, that their way, taught by their old HS coach Jane Smith in 1983 is better?

• Personal exceptions do not take away the basic truths of most generalizations. By nature, they are generalizations, guys–there are always exceptions.

• Why do people look down on others for who they root for or why? If someone like Mary Coleman wants to root for Kevin Hambly because he’s hot–great. If Mel Elliott believes Texas is awesome because his son’s the coach–great. Want to root for your alma mater…that’s great (unless that’s the Iowa Hawkeyes– the Hawkeyes suck…except for the football wave to the kids in the children’s hospital and/or Caitlin Clark)

• What happened to coaches dressing like professionals? HS/club/JuCo coaches now dress like college sophomores heading to an 8am class. Want respect, want the world to take you serious–professionalism is part of that.

• Speaking of appearances–when your team’s done with a match, pick up your trash, throw it away. Make it easier on the custodial staff when they are cleaning up afterwards, especially when you are on the road.

• Warmups–the only thing worse than college VB warmups is all levels of baseball warmups. How about we just cut to the chase and do it like club? Is a 75-minute pre-match routine really necessary? Let’s just go with 19 minutes: 5-5-4-4 and 1 minute to get ready to take the court. 

• If the NCAA D1 final is going to be on Sunday, why not arrange for the D2 Final to go on Saturday evening at the tournament? Heck have D2 go THU-SAT and D1 FRI-SUN. VB every day of the AVCA Convention. (Yes, this would interfere with the drinking….)

• VB on TV needs to be better–everyone has HDTV. Why not display stats, put the names over people at the start of a rotation for a moment, flash stats for a second after each play. We’re at the point that you don’t need a G-D libero explanation in every broadcast–and don’t tell me ‘well it’s for the non-fans watching’. Load of crap. You don’t see football broadcasts explaining why there’s four downs. Baseball announcers stopped explaining the pitch clock by the end of May. NBA announcers don’t explain why a shot behind a line is three points rather than two. Viewers are actually smart enough to figure rules out as they watch most of the time. Also, there’s this thing called the internet. If I type in ‘what is a libero?’…Dr. Google gives me an answer.

• You don’t need a former athlete as a color commentator. You need someone who adds to the broadcast with insights, someone who can interplay with the play-by-play guy, enhances the play-by-play.

• People talk about needing more women coaches. You know what’s actually needed–more good coaches. Athletes deserve good coaching whether male, female, asexual; whether black, white, chartreuse, or maize; former player or never played. When you hire coaches because of a physical characteristic as a priority, you’re going to have never-ending churn because you aren’t hiring the right leaders. You want leadership–you hire a leader. It’s that simple. It doesn’t require consulting services, ex-coaches, or a dozen complicating factors.

  • And people complaining about diversity never seem to mention the paucity of black male coaches. How many black men are head coaches at the collegiate level? (I know Reggie Bateman at Rend Lake College and Ray Gooden at North Central–if people could add the others I’m missing, that’d be great.)

• Spin =/= a double-hit. If we went back to an all-white VB, we’d get less of these complaints and fewer ref calls.

• There should be a tournament official at each court at club tournaments. They should be armed with a Taser. The first parent to yell ‘score!’ gets a warning. The second and all subsequent parents to yell it get Tasered. It’ll add to the fun. Trust me.

  • If a parent from either playing team approaches the scoring table for any reason, an airhorn should immediately be blasted into that adult’s ears until blood appears. Then the taser.

• Parents who switch sides at club tournaments. Hey–check out EVERY OTHER LEVEL OF THE SPORT…notice no one switches sides? Yeah. Shut up, sit down, watch your kid, and cheer for good volleyball.

• If you’re ‘reserving’ seats at a Qualifier where seating is limited–you’re a loser. If people want a seat, let them get there on time like everybody else.

• The gray shirt for USAV/JVA/PAVO officials is an ugly color.

• Why can’t officials use electronic whistles now? Does it really matter as long as there’s a whistle? (LOL–remember, this is Festivus not Reality St.)

• Coaches charging $80+ for a one-hour lesson. Dudes…you’re charging more than lawyers. Lawyers suck but they are more important–am I really saying that…ew… (and better educated) than coaches. And if you’re a coach charging that much–it takes grande cojones to complain about expenses for your club or why people go play elsewhere.

• Private schools that enroll students from beyond the public district they are in should be compelled to have their own postseason. Want to play with everyone else–then play by everyone else’s rules.

• The same coaches who complain about being asked to shag for another team are the same coaches who complain when a ball rolls onto their court from a different court–where a different team is also not shagging.

• Everyone complaining about participation trophies–I hope your gym doesn’t have banners for making a Regional or Sectional or Sub-State. You didn’t win, so why the banner? (See also: varsity letters)

  • Should I mention varsity letters here? No? Because if there’s ever been a participation trophy, it’s a varsity letter.

• If trainers with graduate degrees argue about ice vs. heat or the value of ankle braces–how can coaches be absolutely sure? Dr. Google is NOT a certified trainer or physician.

• My God is the paperwork necessary to be part of the sport massive, unintuitive, and unnecessary. Why am I having to certify with USAV, JVA/AAU, and individual NFHSA states to officiate? As a coach, why am I doing SafeSport when it’s clear Safesport is a joke?

  • And why aren’t we doing REAL paperwork that matters–like coaching education stuff, rather than eliminate the CAP program?

    • Why are people getting charged to become better coaches? Isn’t that the responsibility of USAV or JVA?

• Why do teams sandbag tournaments? Does winning a club tourney mean THAT much to you? Why not play the best teams you can?

  • I’m SHOCKED some clubs tout their win-loss records. Damn, man, I could play Mother Mary’s Blind Kids VBC over and over and be 100-0. Would that make me a good coach? (No)

• Why do some club teams have 12+ kids on the team? If kids get better by playing, set up your teams so the kids actually play. If you say ‘they get better by practice’–then how about giving them more practice and not force them to travel three time zones and spend $1500 to stand and watch others play volleyball for three days?

• USAV/JVA ought to cap teams at 10.

• I hate coaches that wander off when their team is working a match–why not mandate that the coach is either doing the book OR serving as R2. If your kids don’t get time off, why are you wandering off, Coach?

• You know it sucks when…you ref four straight 11u matches then *immediately* get a 17u championship match. Those 17s look like they are hitting 175k/h during that first set.

• Why do they bounce refs from court to court at Qualifiers? Why not put five refs on five courts, then have a sixth spell each of those officials once? Everyone stays put–easy peasy…which is why it won’t happen.

• NOISE.

• If you’re a big-time ref and you’re telling people ‘Hey, we’re short on refs’–don’t turn around and tell new refs ‘we don’t have matches for you.’ If your matches are covered–you aren’t short.