Feeling good, feeling right?

For some reason is seems like more than two weeks has gone by since my last visit to the chemo chair.  I go every two weeks, infusion session number six is tomorrow…that’s half way there.  Perhaps it’s because the chemo effects seemed a bit milder than from the past few.  I’ve just felt somewhat normal for at least a week, and there are good things and not so good things about feeling, well, normal.

It really is a good thing, feeling normal, compared to the crappier times post chemo.  I’m not complaining.  But feeling OK also solicits so much thought on my part about what else I should be doing during these times.  I’m off work on a leave of absence until April.  Obviously it’s a medical leave so I can better weather chemotherapy.  There are days I feel like I should be working, then there are those other days.  Those other days are when it’s a challenge to function throughout the day without laying down and resting or taking a nap.  So, I remain off of work until this is over.

With the first of the year just around the corner, I am reminded of how I’m never at a loss for making New Years resolutions.  It seems every year about this time I start thinking about my goals and even aspirations for the coming year.  This year in particular has given reason for thought about what to do with my the rest of my life, however long it may last.  I have to assume I will live to be 100 considering the medical community has seemed to pull my ass out of several predicaments the past 35 years or so.  It will be that long since my heart attack and first angioplasty.  Ah, that’s old news with this new malady I am dealing with.  The rest of my life?  Let’s deal with next year first, even next month, next week, or tomorrow.

I find myself getting more and more antsy to get out and get back to business.  I do want to get back to the business of work and the business of those other things I want to further pursue, not the least of which is photography.  Simply put, right now, I feel somewhat reluctant to book any photo shoots like portraits because of the uncertainty of my day-to-day health.  It’s just not reliable at this point.  I yearn for March to roll around and I wrap up the chemotherapy.  It will take a few weeks after the last session for my body to completely recover, hence, I go back to work in April.

Much of my future thoughts revolve around March.  I finish up chemotherapy in March.  I plan to start training on my bicycle in March.  My first social security check comes in March.  We plan to go on a vacation around March.  But that’s months away at this point.  Looking forward to and making plans for tomorrow, next week, and next month is where I need to be right now.

I’ve recently fallen into a bit of a funk about this whole thing that I am experiencing.  Maybe it’s because time is dragging me down, it seems to be going so slowly.  Maybe because I am mostly under house arrest from this thing.  Maybe it’s because of the holidays, or the drab, foggy cold weather…I’m in a bit of a funk.  And starting a new chemo session tomorrow won’t help render the situation better.  I have to remain positive.  And I will do that by counting the days until I feel normal again, probably by next weekend.  And next weekend is Christmas.

We will make the trek up the hill from Modesto to Sonora to visit my daughter’s in-laws.  Jen, Roth, and Rowan are driving down from Seattle for a few days to Sonora then to our house for a few days after Christmas.  I should be in tip top form by then (what the hell does that mean?), feeling good, feeling right, it’s Saturday night?  Hell, I’m halfway through my chemotherapy schedule and it’s all downhill from here!

I’m not ready to post New Year’s resolutions yet.  I’ll save that for another blog closer to the first of the year.  But I can tell you than one of them is to photograph Modesto as I see it and post the pictures to my blog in a series.  On the surface, there’s not much here!  Lord knows I’ve bitched and complained about living here enough. But that’s where the mind of a photographer and writer comes in…and that’s what I am.  So just do it dummy!

Note:  If you haven’t seen anything about this Modesto photo project by February, rattle my cage, would you?  Thanks.