Fantasy Team Names (PG-13)

Because you always need good fantasy sports team names.

What makes a name good?  Honestly, you get some really crappy ones out there that are just alliteration (Carl’s Crushers) or are more suited for intramurals (like the classic basketball team: “We Bang Your Mama’s Boards” or the co-ed volleyball “The Hung and the Breastless”).

To be good, you ought to be able to place the team somewhere geographically–or at least a metaphysical location.  It also helps if you can work a cultural reference in.  One that I used for 20+ years was “Team Banzai.”  There’s a movie reference there–Buckaroo Banzai, a team reference–because Buckaroo’s friends are known as Team Banzai, and the location comes from the plot–the 8th Dimension.  Got it?  In any event…:

• Quad City Yabutts  (Because you always respond to a sports assertion with ‘Yeah, but….’

• Texas Toast

• Farah Faucets (Farah is in Afghanistan, Farah Fawcett is a 70s icon)

• Butte Heads

• Omaha Steaks

• Yuma Bitches (see why the post is PG-13?)

• Bombay Doors

• London Blitz

• Berlin Wall

• Czech Mates

• Vietnam Nom Nom Noms

• Tokyo Roses

• E-Street Shuffles

• Peking Duck

• Kabul Shitters

• Chicago Skyline

• New York Knights (a play on nightlife, but also a reference to Robert Redford’s team in ‘The Natural’)

• Cairo Syrup

• Mean Machine (no city, but great reference to Burt Reynolds’ ‘The Longest Yard’)

• Kiev Chicken

• Kiel Haulers

• St. Paul e-Girls (e-sports need team names, too)

• Springfield Rifles

• Lincoln Logs (or if you’re coaching college, you get to be the Lincoln Land Loggers)

• Oahu Yahoos

• Cleveland Steamers

• Kentucky Chicken (Crispy or Fried)

• Beale Street Blues

• Frisco Bay Fog

• Antietam Black Hat Fellers (

• Belfast Orangemen

• Cedar Rabbits (a nice play on the city of Cedar Rapids)

As an interruption, it’s also always good to steal defunct teams, especially if they’ve been dead a long time like the ‘Rock Island Independents,’ the ‘Cleveland Spiders,’ or the ‘Baltimore Bullets.’

• Coney Island Warriors (you’ll catch a theme for the next few…)

• Tremont Orphans

• Union Square Lizzies

• Bowery Bums (or Punks)

• Canarsie Gladiators

• Harlem Boppers

• So-Ho Hi-Hats

• So-Ho Electric Eliminators

• Bensonhurst Saracen

• Washington Heights Panzers

• Sheepshead Bay Satan’s Mothers

• Boyle Avenue Runners

• Van Corlandt Rangers

• Durbin Dicks (there’s a political joke here…and it’s PG-13)

• Vermont Teddy Bears (corporate reference)

• Boston Crabs

• Charleston Chews (an old candy…but better than going ‘choo-choo’ and the obvious train reference)

• Savannah Lions

• Vienna Sausages

• Homburg Hats

• Virginia Wolves

• Mississippi Mud

• Washington Generals (military AND sports)

• Buffalo Wild Wings (aiming for corporate sponsorship, of course)

• Wake Island Marines

• Manila Folders

• Melbourne Identities

• Moscow Mules

• Volga Rivermen

• Paris Texans (to annoy the French by associating Paris with Texas…annoying the French is always a noble pursuit)

• Benghazi Investigators

• Seoul Train

• Spandau Ballet (or Jailers)

• Seoul Brothers

• San Luis Cardenales (California AND a baseball reference…good, too, since California stole St. Louis’ one good sports team already)

• San Francisco Earthquakes (could be in bad taste if it’s 1906 or 1989)

• Fargo North Decoders

• Illinois Nazis  (I hate Illinois Nazis)

• Kremlin Wall  (you can also roll with the Berlin Wall)

• Rome B-52s  (will force an earworm into all opponents)

• Hershey Kisses

• Stuttgart Steppers (a Hogan’s Heroes reference)

• Monterey Jacks

• Idiotville Logmen (yes, there was a town with this name in the Pacific Northwest and shockingly, the place revolved around the timber/logging industry, thus the mascot I’ve given)

• Havana Cigars

• Nenamesack Red Sox/Tea Party, etc.  Nenamesack is apparently an old Indian name related to fishing that used to be applied to a lot of places around Boston.   You’ve never seen a ‘Nenamesack’ team before, I’d almost guarantee it.

• Catskill Mice

• Corleone Dons

• Hollywood Directors

• California Girls

• Tuscola Amish

• Red Ball Express

• Tuskegee Aces

• Rock Ridge Raiders (or Johnsons works as well…it’s really whether you like your kicks from champagne or have just one flavor…)

• Vatican Stampeders (it’s a movie worth two teams)

• Waco Kids (…or three references)

• Brooklyn ’42’s

• Madrid Quakes

• Ohio State Rednecks, Indiana Rednecks (these are basically the current state nicknames anyways as both ‘Buckeye’ and ‘Hoosier’ mean redneck/hick, etc)

• Marion Swamp Foxes

• Austin Powers

• Cairo Syrup (requires understanding of redneck Illinois pronunciations….)

• Winchester ’73s

• Jackson Five

• Tokyo Roses (or Express)

• Lublin Communists

• Prague Matists

• Selma Kings

• Lexington Minutemen

• Montana Grizzlies

• Sioux Chefs