Excuse Me While I Go Knock Myself Into A Coma…. Someone’s Invented Clown Contouring. (Insert puke emoji here)

Panda’s I just can’t anymore. What in the hell is the world coming to?! Apparently we have now ventured into the era of the Clown. Wasn’t the first contouring makeup tutorial enough for you? Weren’t the hoards of photos and how-to articles enough to satiate your appetites? Apparently not, because now all I see are articles about clown contouring. And everyone and their momma’s are lapping it up. So I simply must ask, when will the madness end?

First things first, I’m the realest. Haha jokes! Don’t you guys do that when you hear the beginning phrase of a song? Anyway, I digress. I don’t actually mind the whole concept of contouring. The first pictures/articles about it really got me. I was 100% on board.  It wasn’t long before I bought my own kit and contoured it up like the best in the business. And by this I mean doing the least labour intensive contouring possible. I do not have all day to be painting my face. So all I did was get a darker powder and highlight my cheeks, sides of my nose, chin, jawline, top of my forehead and neck. It literally took me less than 1 minute. I just don’t have the patience for something lengthier. Either way, have you seen the before’ and after’s?!

Jesus! What a fucking difference a cake full of make-up can achieve right?! It’s actually Da Vinci-esque in a way. Sculpted with mathematical precision for a perfectly fake facade. Because let’s be honest, It’s just a pretty illusion at the end of the day, is it not? Did you ever stop to think about that guy that’s going to wake up beside you the next morning and get a ghastly heart attack at the site of you and your un-contoured face? No I bet you didn’t. It’s a valid question you know!

Next came strobing. I mean, strobing? Really? I feel like I should be in some EDM brothel in Croatia popping pills and drinking until the word ‘poisoning’ is thrown into a sentence in reference to my current state of affairs. Strobing has to do with shimmers. Basically creating a glowing effect on your face. You know, to make you look radiant. Take a look.

If you want to know what exactly Strobing Makeup is then check out these links. ( Popsugar, Refinery29, HollywoodLife )  Even Buzzfeed hopped on the strobing bandwagon. This, however, is how I feel about the matter…

Now… let’s talk about this clown bullshit for a second. Can I get a collective, WTF?! Who in their right minds has the time for all this shit? In case you have missed out on why it’s called “clown” contouring…here you go. But you have been warned.

The photo above is by a makeup artist, Bella De Luna who has a youtube channel full of makeup tutorials. You can see the video here. Apparently it was her and another instagrammer @Makeupby_alo  (picture below) who started everyone talking about this clown contouring mayhem. And now people are starting to test it out…

Can we please make note of the two ladies on the right. Someone needs to tell them that they resemble The Day of The Dead.

By the way, I’m not knocking the day of the dead make up. I actually love it. But someone needs to tell those ladies that they are celebrating a different thing. They need to come on over to The Day Of The Dead side. I would much prefer people donning this makeup rather than taking your sweet old time contouring your face and then blending it all away. Life is too short! Do people do this to themselves every day? What time do you get up in the mornings?

But, the icing on this clown cake is, (and it’s the strangest thing) that no one, I mean NO ONE has commented on the fact that this Bella lady likes to draw poop emoji’s on her forehead.

Her reasoning behind it, is that people can say what they want but in the end it will all be blended away. Well who knew that I would be getting free advice on life through a makeup tutorial. All I’m saying is, if they want to do this, then that’s fine by me. But why does every online magazine/blog have to go bonkers and label it ‘The Next Big Craze’. Could ya calm the fuck down?! You need to start asking yourself, in the long run, is this such a big deal? Will it better humanity? No, no it wont. So let’s all chill out, take a deep breathe and do a couple of woosah’s. Damn, what the hell’s going to be next? I shudder at the thought.

Peace, Love and Poop Emoji ❤