Everything you need to know before watching Avengers: Infinity Loop

After 27 years and 103 films, the Marvel cinematic universe will come to a climactic climax next month with the much-anticipated release of Avengers: Infinity Loop.

For those who have not fully immersed themselves in the intertwining storylines of this superhero narrative and would prefer not to be condescended to by white males aged 18-24, here is everything you need to know to get ready for this season’s spandex sensation.

The atomic core of the Marvel universe is Tony Stark, AKA Iron Man, and his ongoing quest to ethically justify a non-ironic goatee. A brilliant weapons maker, Stark is reluctantly drawn into the world-saving racket after he thwarts a plot to destroy the global reserve of knishes, doing so by replacing the arc reactor in his chest with a lightly toasted bagel.

The crossover of Marvel elements immediately becomes apparent in The Incredible Hulk, when an errant poppy seed from said bagel travels cross-country via Greyhound and disrupts the lab equipment of Bruce Banner, turning him into the Hulk and making him late for an appointment to get his car detailed. This makes him mad, and who can blame him?

Thor, meanwhile, is a Norse demi-god, son of Odie, tormentor of Garfield. His realm of Asgard contains what we later learn is the first of six Infinity Carbuncles. Each carbuncle harnesses specific powers. For example, the Time Carbuncle can cause the universe to spawn three separate Spiderman actors in 15 years. Anyone who controls all six Infinity Carbuncles is granted limitless power as well as whiter teeth in 7 days.

When Thor arrives on Earth, he is captured by a discrete protector of global security known as S.H.I.E.L.D., not to be confused with a discrete protector of feminine hygiene known as P.A.N.T.Y.S.H.I.E.L.D., a joke for which there is absolutely no excuse.

Eventually S.H.I.E.L.D. assembles The Avengers team, whose motto appears to be “We May Be Big But We Could Be Bigger,” because by the release of Avengers: Infinity Loop, there are exactly 532 members.

But we’re getting ahead of ourselves, which is actually how fast The Flash can run, but he’s in the DC universe, so screw him. Instead, it’s important to mention the inclusion of Captain America, the moral compass to Iron Man’s carnal Jacuzzi. Captain Steve Rogers is a super soldier from World War II who was frozen for 70 years, which is surprising because I have a burrito in my freezer from 2015 that looks completely inedible.

Throughout these individual Marvel outings, we catch glimpses of various Infinity Carbuncles: the Space Carbuncle, the Time Carbuncle, the Vaguely Odd Smell Carbuncle, the Mindless Humming Carbuncle, the Does-This-Look-Infected Carbuncle and the Garfunkle Carbuncle.

It’s not until Garden Gnomes of the Galaxy, however, that we learn that the Infinity Carbuncles are related and that superhero movies can have best-selling retro soundtracks. We also get further indication that a mighty being is after the carbuncles, a being who is cold on the outside and raging hot on the inside, namely Thermos.

Thermos is the son of Sui-San of Titan and a U.S. postal box. He is obsessed with death, which is why he only watches reruns of “Two and a Half Men.” His goal is to obtain the Infinity Carbuncles in order to destroy the universe and, along with it, vaping.

Superheroes may be smaller than they appear.

By the time we reach Avengers: Age of Elton John and later still Captain America: Another Title With A Colon, the Marvel universe has become supremely dense with characters and side stories. Indeed, the goal of these past two years has seemingly been to expand the roster as much as possible, so much so that the title of the new film was originally Avengers: We Have More Black People Now And One Asian Sidekick.

This surplus of characters and stories has resulted in some dubious tangents, such as a 15-minute sequence in Avengers 2 between Hulk and Black Widow that is a shot-for-shot remake of the 50s diner scene from Pulp Fiction.

At the same time, screen time for other characters has been considerably reduced. For example, it is rumoured that Ant Man will be in Infinity Loop for a total of 15 seconds, consisting of him being smooshed, but because it’s Paul Rudd being smooshed, he will be smooshed so adorably that you’ll want to smirk yourself to death.

Will Avengers: Infinity Loop successfully bring all these characters and story threads together? Will Thermos acquire the Infinity Carbuncles? Will Thor take his shirt off gratuitously? The answers will be revealed – probably 17 films from now.