Don’t be such a martyr, it’s All Saints Day!

Collect them all!

Saint Tarafa the Putrid The Holy Hottie of Hungary, Tarafa the Putrid was named Saint of the Year in 1089, winning over the critics and plague-ridden alike with her hit song “Jesus May Have Come to Me (But I Wish You’d Go Away).” She also served as a celebrity talent judge on “The CrucifiX Factor” along with co-hosts Agotha the Vacuous and Mada the Execrable. Tarafa’s entire right side was covered in oozing sores that, though initially off-putting, proved to have the power to heal gerbils, so you just had to angle yourself to see the left side, in which case she was actually kind of cute, for a saint. Among her many divine miracles, Tarafa scored 14 points from outside the key and was 7 for 8 from the free-throw line to earn the Budapest Mole-Rats their first (and last) championship in the NCAA (Necrotizing Crippled Athletic Apostles). Tarafa was martyred in 1090 when she was stoned by an angry mob upset about all the gerbils.

Saint Bourguignon of Fez Bourguignon was born in 447 in northern Morocco through no fault of his own. He was a prodigy of the Rabat School of Clerical Learning and Light Welding and quickly became a scholar of the Gospels, especially the Gospel According to Luke, whom he described as “wicked cool” (“impius frigus”). Bourguignon was the first to suggest the Holy Bible could “use a few more pictures,” which earned him a brief audience with Pope Hilarius – brief because Bourguignon tactlessly blurted out, “You’ve got to be kidding me.” He later retreated to the desert where he dedicated himself to getting to know camels, you know, like, getting to know them. His teachings and writings were widely spread across North Africa, including the popular tracts, “Holy Father in Heaven, What’s the Deal With the Humps?” “I’ve Tried Passing A Camel Through the Eye of a Needle and It Ain’t Easy!” and “Seriously, What Kind of Name is ‘Hilarius’?” Bourguignon is the patron saint of cartoonists, sous chefs and drama queens.

Saint Dahlia of Bruges Born in 1872, Dahlia Chlgfllaffaghhmmen was born to a Welsh mother and a Flemish father, making her Welfish. At the age of 13, Dahlia was participating in the traditional Belgian pastime of avoiding old men with cheese when she had a vision of the Virgin Mary along with the Virgin Mary’s close friend Doreen. Dahlia reported to her local priest that the Virgin Mary was dressed in blue robes and was so beautiful as to be impossible to look at for more than a second. She also reported that Doreen wore a leopard-print pant suit and offered her a smoke, which Dahlia accepted. Miraculously, the cigarette was smoked but never burned down, and is now a religious relic known as the Butt of Bruges. These visions appeared several more times, with the Virgin remaining silent while Doreen advised Dahlia to repent, pray and never trust a man with more hair products than you. In the final visitation, Doreen transformed water into wine, telling Dahlia, “It’s always 5 o’clock in heaven, honey.” Word of the miracles spread, and Christians began to make pilgrimages to Bruges, with Dahlia eventually earning sainthood and the site of the visions becoming a bingo parlour.

Saint Alice the Non Sequitur The daughter of a professional plate spinner, Alice the Non Sequitur grew up in the tiny village of Porchetta, Italy in the late 1400s. A child of little resources and fewer teeth, Alice became a novitiate in the Nunnery of Saint Stroganoff of Fez (Bourguignon’s kid brother). It was while praying before a statue of the Holy Virgin that Alice began to spontaneously bleed from the palms of her hands. She was rushed to the local priest, who examined the wounds, declared that it was not in fact blood but red corn syrup and prepared to send her on her way. “I’ve got corn syrup oozing out of my body,” argued Alice. “I don’t think this is an everyday occurrence!” Good point, said the priest, and declared it a miracle. “In fact,” she continued, “that’s a stigmata.” “What’s a stigmata?” asked the priest. “Nothing. What’s a stigmata with you?” And that’s when they stoned her. And rightfully so.