Billy Joel’s “Piano Ham”: An Appreciation

Ivan Pavlov once said, “Now what do I do with all these dogs?” But Pavlov also invented what we now call “triggering,” and few songs trigger as triggeringly as Billy Joel’s 1973 hit “Piano Ham.” From the first noodling notes of the piano introduction, we are immediately swept away to memories of simpler times and bygone meats.

That simple introduction hints at the song’s subject matter by riffing on the Italian national anthem. Italy, of course, is noted for its dry-cured hams, including prosciutto di parma, a subject Joel would return to in his 1977 song, “Scenes From an Italian Restaurant Where They Serve Lots of Prosciutto.”

But the piano riff is simply an amuse-bouche for what is to come, for the piano gives way to a swirling harmonica that waltzes us into the song proper, and Joel raises the curtain on the vivid scene: a musician, a bar, a ham on the piano.

“Piano Ham” was written at a time when Joel was struggling with whether to become a professional musician or to choose the safer life as a freelance charcutier. His love for both is clear from the opening lines:

It’s nine o’clock on a SaturdayThe regular crowd shuffles inThere’s an old ham sittin’ next to meAs a line of drool runs down my chin

Bar ham was, of course, a tradition in the forgotten Long Island of Billy Joel’s youth. It was believed that salty cured meats would lead to a spike in drink sales, and while this was certainly true in the short term, the practice had the unfortunate long-term effect of killing off regular customers due to alcoholism and pancreatic cancer.

But rather than dwell on high sodium intake and meat-related fatalities, Joel instead focuses on the blissful innocence of preserved pork, as seen in the chorus:

Sing us a song of the piano hamSing us a song so niceWell, we’re all in the mood for a bit of meatSo go on and give us a slice

The song goes on to describe the denizens of the bar, with their hopes, dreams and Saturday night hankerings for ham.

Now John at the bar is a deli clerkHe gets me my hams for freeAnd he’s got just one joke about hickory smokeThat’s some horrible pun about “tree”

Now Paul is a jambon enthusiastHe has been for all of his lifeAnd he’s talkin’ with Davy, who’s pouring the gravyAnd then a soupçon for his wife

Joel’s master stroke, however, is the wordless chorus, the “la-di-da, di-di-da…,” which appears to be a simple singalong. While this is true, its origin lies in Joel’s actual attempts to sing with his mouth filled with irresistible, juicy piano ham.

After a raucous piano interlude based on “Old MacDonald Had a Farm,” we return to the scene of the bar and Joel resigning himself to the fact that, though he is musically talented, he is not what draws them in on this Saturday: “’Cause I know that it’s meat they’ve been comin’ to see/To forget about life for a while.”

Joel touches on universal truths here, for who among us hasn’t run to a rasher for relief, sought solace in a sausage, found a pork shoulder to cry on? Music hath charms to soothe the savage breast, yes, but ham heals.

Hallowed ham notwithstanding, Joel decides he cannot turn his back on his music, expressing in the subsequent verse his disenchantment for the ham now past its prime and dripping juices on the keyboard.

And the piano ham smells like a barnacleIt’s been sitting out there for a yearAnd I think in my seat about healthier meatsLike wild boar or bison or deer

The choice is made, it will be music then, though as we close once again with the chorus, ham will always stay close to his heart.

As it turns out, Joel made the right choice. “Piano Ham” set Billy Joel on his way, reaching #25 on Billboard’s Hot 100, #10 on Canada’s RPM chart and #4 on the Cooking Channel.

Meat-based music may have launched his career, but Billy Joel would later become a critic of farm-factory pork production. This was particularly evident in his album An Innocent Ham, which included his playful homage to the all-around cuteness of pig’s tails, “Uptown Curl.”

Billy Joel no longer plays “Piano Ham” in public.