Big Brother

This is tougher than I thought. My kuya and his entire family, Tina, Chris and Sam, all just left to emigrate to another country. Given that the internet just made the world a lot smaller, I never really saw this event as anything to be depressed about. Sad, yes, but nothing to be devastated about. But as d-day (departure day) loomed ever closer, a suffocating web seemed to be closing in around my heart. My brain knew that we can still talk, everyday if we wanted, but my heart was behaving like a child throwing a tantrum. I guess I always thought that everyone was already where they were supposed to be. That me, my brother, my 2 sisters and our respective families will all grow old together, until Scotty beams us up, one by one. So it was quite jarring when I found out that they were uprooting to move somewhere far — not inaccessible, but too far if we just suddenly felt like having coffee together. My brain actually agrees with the decision. I honestly feel in my gut that this is a necessary move, whether they’ll eventually come back or stay there for good. I feel that they need this time as a family to find their own identity, in their own spot under the sun. But my heart will achingly miss them being physically around. I don’t really think we’ll drift apart or anything like that, in fact I think the distance will only cement our family’s closeness. But I need to not just talk to them, but to BE with them. I’ll certainly miss seeing the kids as they grow up. I’m sure I’ll see them in a couple of years, but I miss them anyway.

We had a send-off party last night, and it was so difficult. It was like having a striped multi-colored hippo, wearing a tutu, prancing around the room, but everyone pretending it wasn’t there. We were spending time together because starting the next day, some of us won’t be joining our gatherings for a couple of years or so. It’s so weird how everything is so relative. If someone were to come to me crying because someone in their family was migrating, I’d probably empathize, but I’d also probably feel like it’s not really THAT big a deal. Until it happens to you. It really sucks missing people you love. It sucks BIG TIME.

Just a couple of minutes ago, we all had to say our goodbyes as the 4 left for the airport. I said my goodbyes, gave them all a BIG hug, then I just had to leave. I guess I just couldn’t hold it together. I couldn’t get myself to stand there and see them get in the van and watch them drive off, craning my neck as the van gets smaller and smaller as it slowly disappears from sight.  It really sucks when life reminds you that even though you’re one big happy family, that you’re still individuals and that each one makes decisions that don’t always include you. I remember when my ate got married, it was the first in the family, and I remember feeling like my world has ended. It was as if she were Persephone abducted by Hades to be made queen in his Underworld. But she ended up giving us 6 beautiful children and (for now) 4 lovely grandchildren. So now that I feel like my kuya’s family is being kidnapped by “that country”, I just have to tell myself that I just don’t know it yet, but this event will bear wonderful fruit that we will all feel blessed for, however far away it may still seem for now.

Their departure leaves a vacuum that would be hard to fill. It tears me up every time the selfish in me wants to yank them back home, where my comfort zone lies, but I have to respect the bigger plan.

So to my kuya Freddie, to Tina, to Chris (Perpsquerk), and to Sam (Hammy), you all CANNOT even begin to imagine how much I already miss ALL of you. Behind all the pesky salty droplets, I truly am very happy for you, because I just know that you have this awesome adventure ahead of you! And knowing you four, you’ll do great with whatever you set your minds to do. Kuya, try not to stress out too much, okay? You’re a worry wart, just like me and the 2 ates. PLEASE learn to relax so you don’t get your headaches, and don’t eat too much meat so your triglycerides won’t go up anymore. Tina, I’ll keep the wine sets for you, they’re still yours, so anytime you want them back, they’re just here with me. Don’t worry, I’m sure with all the cooking practice, you’ll give Ate Fides and Kwi a run for their money. Tops, stay the funniest guy in the world, okay? I’ll never forget your corny jokes and the Blue songs I hear you singing from your house. Try to listen to RX via live streaming, okay? Just so that you don’t forget your Ninong. Sam, you’re probably the most mature member of our entire clan. You didn’t inherit the “crazy gene” like the rest of us. Please always write to us and send pictures so we don’t miss out on how you’re growing up to be a such beautiful young lady.

Haaay, suddenly YM is our best friend…