Bad Black Friday Ideas

• Shooters for Shoppers: 40% off on selected items; 40% alcohol in gulp-size portions

• “We’ve eliminated janitorial services and passed the savings on to YOU!”

• Extra 10% off for all men sexier than Blake Shelton (limited to the first 10,000 customers)

• Target’s Mega-Colossal Black Friday Blowout Extravaganza With Marbles On The Floor!!!

• Extra 90% off for all men who can prove they have never engaged in sexually inappropriate behaviour

• Purchase a Sony 54-inch LED HDTV for $489.99, get a bonus used sponge

• Post your most violent shopping video and win a year’s supply of pretzels. #punchingforpretzels

• Zero Down, Zero Interest, Zero Fulfilment!

• IKEA’s “You Know What’s Cheaper Than Buying at 20% Off? Buying Nothing At All!” Sale

• Rite-Aid’s ‘Lozenges of the Stars’ diorama

• 10% off things you think you need; 20% off things you definitely don’t need

• Apple Store’s ritualized shaming of iPhone6 users

• “We’ve Slashed Our Prices! Our Employees Are Literally Running With Sharp Knives! Look Out!”

• Free toaster for anyone turning 52 today, though you’d never know it to look at them

• Free shipping for narcissists

• “Islands In The Stream” on infinite loop throughout the store

• 15% off gifts your spouse is probably going to hate anyway

• Buy 1 particle accelerator, get the second at 50% off (some restrictions and laws of physics apply)

• Black Friday in Canada

• Black Friday in general

• #BlackFridaysMatter