Awards: nothing to sneeze at

Like seasonal allergies, blogging awards seem to peak and wane through the year, and we appear to be in a current high cycle. I can tell from my itchy, watery eyes.

And so, it’s with humble gratitude and chronic sneezing that I have two to take care of today. The first is from Sarah at The Great Unwashed, who nominated me for a Liebster Award. “Liebster” is German for “questionnaire,” and, I have to say, Sarah’s queries are pretty dynamite. Let’s get to them, shall we?

1. If you had to choose between Anna Karenina, War and Peace and Steve Martin’s acclaimed novella “Shopgirl” which book would be the best weapon in a bar fight? For sheer surprise attack, go with Steve Martin, although it depends on the time of year;  absolutely everyone knows you don’t read frothy novellas after Labour Day.

2. What is the longest period you’ve ever gone without bathing? Please note, stays in Turkish prisons do not count.1987 was the twentieth anniversary of the Summer of Love. We called it “the Summer of Like.” At university, my friends and I organized a theme party to celebrate the hippie era, and in preparation I didn’t bathe for a week. And yet my hair still didn’t seem greasy enough, so I applied Vaseline. This was probably the biggest lesson learned at university.

3. You’ve decided to take on three additional husbands and or wives, who are they? Both living and dead people may be included, although admittedly an attraction to the deceased is a little beyond me.That woman at that store that time; my Grade 3 teacher; and Lady Bird Johnson. Obviously.

4. What is your most unfortunate public transportation story?I’m sorry, what is this public transportation you speak of? Mrs. Johnson and myself would never stoop to such plebeian conveyances as busses and streetcars.

5. Go back in time, you’re attempting to sell your five year old sibling, what is your asking price? A packet of Chiclets would probably do it.

6. In a bid to secure the Guinness World Record for “Longest and Highest Transport of Tom Cruise” you’ve decided to piggyback this superstar across the Andes. What phrase do you repeat to yourself during the tough parts of the trek to spur yourself onwards when Tom’s pointy hip bones are digging into your spine? Let me answer that question with another question?

7. What do you consider to be a valid reason for a hunger strike? Any attempt by your family to force you to see Grown Ups 2.

8. Name three items you hide from your spouse or significant other or even better, yourself. Latex gloves, marmalade and the works of Margaret Atwood. You only make that mistake once, trust me!

9. Where are the hiding places for these items? Wait! Don’t tell me, I’m a terrible secret keeper. OK. I thought I could trust you. I guess I was wrong. Kind of hurt, actually. Bit of a trigger. Ooooo man! Get me the marmalade!

10. How do you feel about my interviewing skills? Will they make Oprah love me? Excuse me? Does it really have to be all about you? Whose narcissistic blog is this, anyway?

Thanks, Sarah, that was fun. I went through half a box of Kleenex while answering your questions, which is a personal best.

I also have a Versatile Blogger Award from Emily at Don’t Repeat This in Preschool. For this one, I just have to tell you seven things about myself:

1. Last night I dreamed that Lindsay Lohan and “her wife” had died in a drug overdose. This made me sad. Not for LL but because my brain could be bothered.

2. I sometimes wonder what happened to that kid at camp who argued that Logan’s Run was better than Star Wars.

3. Somewhere among my old papers I have the start of a novel about Adam and Eve that manages to suggest that menstruation is both sacrament and sin. This unfortunate work was written around the time I was willingly putting Vaseline in my hair.

4. I once considered becoming an actor until I realized I would have to spend a lot of time with actors.

5. I think writers are just as bad but thankfully they generally keep to themselves.

6. I read a story in our local newspaper this morning about an old woman named Coote. This not only tickled me but also helped dispell the Lindsay Lohan dream.

7. I think I have a pretty good singing voice, but who doesn’t?

At this point, I’m supposed to pass these awards on to some other deserving bloggers and have them go through the questionnaire/answering/unburdening process. But, as with allergies, sometimes you need to just, you know, uproot that ragweed. Stop making us work during the summer, awards! So, to the worthy bloggers listed below, feel free to accept any award of your choosing with no irritation or itching. Think of me as the blogosphere’s big bottle of Benadryl.

I just like these guys:

Pinklighsabre’s Blog: Art, poetry, philosophy, evocative, thoughtful Ned’s Blog: My kind of Ned Do Not Get Sick in the Sink, Please: As the ladies says, humour and sex but mostly sex One Awkward Year: But one charming, nutbar blog B.L.O.G.: Mike Calahan writes smart, observational pieces that feel like nostalgia for the young. Funny stuff. Crazy As Normal: One of those bloggers you’re just so happy to find because it feels like friendship , PLUS if she likes you she’ll promote the poop out of you. (That sounds like far less fun than it is…)

Remember: say it, don’t spray it!