Absolute Worst Christmas Tea & Bazaar

This but with more despair.

Come one, come all, come those paying in hoarded pennies to the Annual Christmas Tea & Bazaar this Saturday at the Church of Our Lady of Perpetual Ennui. We’ve recently lowered the ceiling of our fluorescent-lit basement hall to allow a greater sense of intimacy and poor posture. Smoking is encouraged!

Admission is $4.41 and entitles you to enter your name in a raffle for a romantic weekend for one at Tepid Falls Spa & Resorts, which recently received the all-clear from the Health Department and no longer turns up in top results for the query “Korean tourist nozzle death.”

Proceeds to benefit the church’s Gratuitous Alcohol Fund (“Jesus Drank; So Should We”).

The hall will be decorated in festive garlands lovingly crafted from depleted Keurig pods, haphazardly carved Styrofoam and wintered-over parsnips. Guests are invited to hang a turkey giblet on the Christmas tree, which will be lit at 2:00 pm and then extinguished and dismantled at 2:09 (sharp!).

Over 31 vendors and artisans will be on hand throughout the day selling their wares and making aggressive eye contact. Highlights include:

• Rhonda Parker’s tea cozies featuring prints of bald rock stars (Billy Corgan, Michael Stipe, Moby, Sinéad O’Connor). Available in sets of three ONLY.

• Homemade bath bombs by Suds Buds (formerly My Soapy Little Friend), featuring an assortment of scents such as Angst & Asparagus; Rainbow Rendering Plant; Take A Bath, Grandma!; and Sweet Cinnamon Hockey Gear.

• Pre-warped artisanal cutting boards by local letter-to-the-editor writer Hans Roitmann hastily crafted in a variety of woods (firewood, driftwood, floorboards, twigs) and finished in I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter.

• Baked goods by Abelaide von Strundt, prepared by hand and then touched by fingers on the part of every one of Abelaide’s five grandchildren, some of whom will be present to put the finishing touch on your purchase (open-mouthed coughing).

• Stocking-stuffers aplenty courtesy of Jack’s Sundry Pencils! Pencils of varying lengths, all pre-sharpened or lovingly dulled. Choices include eraser/not eraser. Stop by to take a gander at the pencil once gnawed by actor Steve Zahn (Saving Silverman) at a truck stop in Tallahassee, Florida! (No photos!)

• Asymmetrical doilies, non-absorbent hand towels, scratchy socks that must be hand washed and 12 separate kiosks featuring candles, candles, candles! You’ll find all this and more at this one-day Christmasvaganza!

The ladies will be serving tea all day. Come early if you want it hot. Tea includes a selection of sweets along with dirty looks from Abelaide von Strundt.

But what’s that we hear! The sound of a 4-wheeler roaring around the church! Why, it’s Santa Claus! The jolly, slightly damp elf himself will be here from noon to 1:00 to greet all the boys and girls with untameable coffee breath. Each child who sits on Santa’s lap will depart with a small gift of cleaning product samples and low-grade PTSD.

There will be other special guests as well (not to mention the oppressive presence of overzealous security guards) who will provide entertainment throughout the afternoon.

The Scratchy Bracken Elementary School Choir of Coerced Singers will be on hand to perform their rendition of Mariah Carey’s holiday classic “All I Want For Christmas Is You” non-stop from 1:00 to 2:00 p.m. They will be accompanied on xylophone by toddlers from our church playtime group who didn’t have time for a rehearsal, though, honestly, would it really have made a difference?

Local author Dale Woznick will be on hand from 2:00 to 2:45 to read without a microphone a selection of his works, including “The Poem That is 12 Minutes Long” and his special Christmas short story “Gifts My Mother Found Cheaper at Walmart, So It’s No Wonder Downtown’s Going Out of Business.” He will also be selling copies of his photocopied novel Assorted Grudges.

3:00-4:00 pm: Close-proximity bagpiping.

Moms, who said Christmas shopping had to be stressful! Give yourself a break in our special massage chair! Desmond Schwartz will be bringing in his “lucky” recliner and will be offering complementary foot rubs with light moaning.

Finally, members of our local youth club, Main Street Miscreants, are ready to guilt you into allowing them to wrap your gifts in festive paper despite their clear indifference, questionable spatial skills and audible frustration with tape dispensers.

We hope to see you this Saturday in the poorly ventilated hall of Our Lady of Perpetual Ennui! Christmas is in the air! Along with flaking asbestos insulation.